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Question

My 14-year-old son has been surfing the WWW to sites of nude males. Is this normal curiosity or should I be concerned? Do I need to discuss this with him?

Answer

Good question. Generally, it is not unusual for a young teen to be curious about their sexuality and to actively seek out sexually explicit material of both genders. Kids that age are easily aroused by all nudity. Their bodies are changing and hormones rage, especially in boys. My rule of thumb is that looking is generally out of curiosity. Touching, both with opposite and same sex partners, may also be normal curiosity as long as both are willing partners and near the same age. Many people have same-sex encounters as young teens. This is not usually an indication of sexual orientation at this age, just exploration.

Boys particularly are interested in seeing if their sex organs are normal looking, if they are developing as quickly as others and often compare their penis size with every penis they can find. This may go on indefinitely. We all know grown ups who continue to do this throughout their lives!

You may want to have the "talk" with your son if you haven't already. Make yourself available for questions, but be careful not to make reference to same sex issues, as this may cause him to question his own behavior and sexuality more than he probably is already. You want to make him comfortable talking about sexual issues without being embarrassed. A lot of kids do not discuss this with their parents, but some other neutral party unless you have set the stage at home for openness regarding sexuality and sexual issues all along. For many kids it is too uncomfortable to talk to parents about highly charged emotional issues, including sex, because they want your acceptance and approval. Just be prepared for questions and try not to overreact. Be sure you have a talk about safe sex as soon as possible if you haven't already. That is one topic that can't be postponed in today's society.

You may also find that your son is interested in partners of the same sex. There is growing evidence that over 10% of the population is homosexual. Your son may be coming to terms with his sexual orientation, and as such, it will be important for you to do the same. Gay and lesbian teens often face great difficulties when they are sorting out their sexual orientation. The suicide rate among homosexual teens is astronomical. They also have much higher rates of substance abuse, running away from home, school problems and others if they do not get the support and acceptance they need from the adults and peers in their lives.

Homosexuality is not a choice. Nobody would get up one day and make a conscious choice to be gay knowing it would mean a lifetime of discrimination, being treated with hostility and disgust, having people you don't even know judge and shame you and risking the loss of love from your family and friends. People who are gay and lesbian are not evil or psychologically impaired. Their parents did not cause them to choose an alternative lifestyle because of poor parenting skills, divorce or sexual abuse. Homosexuality is now believed by many to have a genetic component. Regardless of the cause, it is a reality for one out of every ten people. If one of those is your child, your parental responsibilities are the same . . . to accept, love, nurture and guide him. If he is gay and he or any of your family have problems dealing with that, please seek professional help for all of the family. It is not something he will outgrow and the risks are dangerously high for teens who do not get help. If you want more information on the subject please visit Lesbian and Gay Dept.

Good luck!

3/12/98

LuAnn Pierce, MSW, CMSW
Author of Growing up Sane (in uncertain times)
Seminar Leader Growing Well Adjusted Kids
Editor-in-Cheif Person to Person: Strengthening Youth & Families
Telephone Counselor Affinity Counseling Center
Affinity Books & Resource Center: Your Source for Emotional Wellness