Please remember, this column is designed to help the consumer seeking behavioral-health information, and not intended to be any form of psychotherapy or a replacement for professional, individualized services. Opinions expressed in the column are those of the columnist and do not represent the position of other SelfhelpMagazine.com staff.

Question

It is so hard to talk to my partner about our sexual relations. What can I do?

Answer

It is just plain hard for most people to talk about sex, both because of the mixed messages we receive from our families and culture and the close ties it has to our emotional life. Revealing our questions, concerns, or doubts can be risky because we may be leaving ourselves open to judgment, criticism, ridicule, or rejection--particularly if these were common reactions to expressions of affection and sexuality in our families growing up. You and your partner are more likely to take risks in sharing when there is a base of trust between you. So see if you can set up some ground rules around:

1. Timing--Find a time that is mutually agreeable and not already emotionally charged by other circumstances to try to talk.
   
2. Setting--Choose a quiet, private place that is free from distractions.
   
3. Tone--put-downs are out; there is no surer route to clamming up and frustration. Being willing to listen without judgment or defensiveness is a tall order, but can open and widen the doors of trust.
   
4. Feelings--Be clear about what you are feeling rather than what you think the other is feeling. Use "I-Statements" instead of "You-Statements" to keep the focus sharp and on track.
   
5. Be able to say and hear "No."
   
6. Have ways to table the discussion when tensions get too high.

These are some beginning guidelines for opening the lines of sexual and other kinds of communication. Don't be discouraged if things are not resolved in your first attempt. The goal is to build trust and become comfortable with intimacy--a lifetime project.

03/18/98