Please remember, this column is designed to help the consumer seeking behavioral-health information, and not intended to be any form of psychotherapy or a replacement for professional, individualized services. Opinions expressed in the column are those of the columnist and do not represent the position of other SelfhelpMagazine.com staff.

Question

When my wife and I bought a new house she complained that I wasn't paying enough attention to her. I have tried to improve and have succeeded to some extent. A short time ago I noticed that she was avoiding me. Finally, she told me she slept with someone else. We talked about and decided we want to stay together. What can I do to make her fall in love with me again? You are the only place I can get help without her knowing it.

Answer

It could be that your wife was angry and felt powerless to get you to pay attention to her. You sure are paying attention now! She might feel that if she doesn't to hold onto her anger and instead lets things go back to the way they were before, she'll lose your attention again. You need to really take stock: Do you respect her opinions, seek them out and take them to heart? Do you make time for her and her alone? You might try setting up regular times to talk and really be open to hearing each other in non-defensive ways. You may need to start building ways to feel affection toward each other--maybe starting with holding hands, sending cards or notes, buying small gifts or doing little favors for each other. Then gradually build to cuddling, snuggling, nuzzling, massage and eventually intercourse--always keeping in mind that you are literally MAKING LOVE.

03/18/98