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Question

I am an 18 year old female considering marriage to a 39 year old man. He is insightful, sensitive, and diverse in interest. I love him, have learned a lot and have grown with him. We face much criticism from those who believe we cannot possibly have a healthy relationship because of our age difference. We disagree and feel that maturity and compatibility count much more. Social criticism has caused some strain on our relationship and with others. What is your advice?

Answer

You are considering marriage to a man who is more than twice your age. As mature an 18-year-old as you may be, you are still a teenager with limited life experience. On the other hand, he is 39 and unless he is immature with limited life experiences, the differences between you are enormous. Dating an older man can be fun and stimulating, but making it an exclusive relationship deprives you of many of the life experiences that are fundamental to your growth.

Dating and meeting a variety of men, having fun with your peer group, and discussing life with them are all part of the maturation process. Socializing with your peer group, double dating with them, and discussing relationship issues facilitates maturation.

Unfortunately, when others criticize a relationship, there is a tendency to cut off contact with your peers in order to avoid the criticism. People need relationships with peers and couples need relationships with other couples. Social isolation can force a dependency on your lover that can be problematic as time goes on, causing resentment and dissatisfaction.

You will change a great deal in the years to come. Some relationships with this degree of age difference do work out. Usually, however, the difference comes much later when both people have had significant life experiences. The difference in maturity between a 30-year-old and a 50-year-old is not as great as the difference between an 18-year-old and a 39-year-old.

I suggest that you reconsider your marriage plans and date others as well as well your 39 year old man. Maintain contact with your peers, enjoy the things that young adults enjoy. Don't miss out of these years. You can never recoup them. In years to come you may resent having foreshortened your young adulthood. See how you feel in a few years. While he may be in a hurry, you have lots of time to consider making a permanent commitment.

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