Please remember, this column is designed to help the consumer seeking behavioral-health information, and not intended to be any form of psychotherapy or a replacement for professional, individualized services. Opinions expressed in the column are those of the columnist and do not represent the position of other SelfhelpMagazine.com staff.

Question

I lost my mother last year to cancer, and my father and I are going through a great deal of difficulty on the anniversary of her death. My father is refusing help, and is constantly crying over my mother. I have good days, but many bad ones also, in which I often remember her on her death bed. What can my father and I do to get our lives back to normal? 

Answer

The first anniversary of the death of a parent and spouse is usually very difficult, even traumatic, as many painful memories naturally come back at this time. Understanding that the first year anniversary is a time when your grief can be expected to increase after it may have begun to seem more manageable will help you to have the perspective you need to make it through this difficult time. 

The first year anniversary highlights the experience of the loss, and makes it painfully clear that the dead person is permanently gone from daily life. This transitional point brings the challenge of further integrating your memories of your mother, the meaning of her life and death, and your role in the life cycle. In addition to these challenges, your father is faced with the need to determine how to meet his needs and whom to trust to help him in the future. Fear of illness in himself, of possible changes in where he will live, and significant loneliness will also be part of your father's experience. 

Addressing your father's needs first, it will be important for you to assess whether your father's basic health needs (nutrition, daily self-care, etc.) are being compromised by his grieving and rejection of outside help. If this is the case it would be wise to insist that he see a professional for help with his grief and for evaluation for possible clinical depression.  

If this is not a concern, it will be important for you to engage your father in some discussions about his grief and about your mother. It may be useful to do this while doing some activity that you both enjoy and can do together, or to work on an project which will honor your mother such as building a memorial for her. I recommend that you take a look on Tom Golden's article on men and mourning in the Loss and Bereavement Articles section. 

You may find that the current situation presents the possibility of getting to know your father in a new way, or of becoming closer with your father. When engaging with your father about your mother's death, it will be helpful for him if you can listen to his anger, regret, and sadness without being judgmental.  Recognizing that your mother's death will have different meanings for him than for you may help you to better understand his feelings. It can also help both of you to understand the kinds of life adjustments he may need to make. Involving any of your father's friends or relatives in his peer group will help provide the peer support he may need. He may also benefit from attending a widow/widower group. If your or your father have a meaningful religious community to which you belong they may be an excellent source of support. 

Turning to your grief, I would first like to address your recurrent memories of your mother on her death bed. These memories may be painful or unpleasant, startling, filled with sadness or all of the above. Discussing them in detail with a loved one or writing in detail about them will help you to process these memories and will eventually help to put them to rest. You may also want to look at pictures of your mother before she became ill, and focus your memories on happier times with her. Although this can evoke much sadness it is a step toward creating an integrated picture of your mother's life. 

The anniversary is a good time to reflect on the qualities of your mother, good and bad, and to think about the meaning and impact her life has had for you and your family. You might want to create your own memorial for her, write about her, or just share memories with other family members. The loss of a parent is also a strong reminder of one's own mortality, and the loss of one's childhood. 

Challenging questions about the meaning of your life and the future of your family may arise. Giving yourself time to think about these issues and discussing them with loved ones and friends may be helpful for you. Communicating with others who have gone through or are going through similar experiences is also very helpful. You might want to visit the Links Section for Loss and Bereavement. Tom Golden's Grief page may be a particularly good place for you to share your experiences and feelings and interact with others with similar losses. If your intense grief should continue after the anniversary and the holidays are past it would be advisable to seek professional help or the support of a grief group. 

Death anniversaries are particularly difficult when they occur around the holidays, as holidays in and of themselves evoke feelings of intense longing for the lost family member.  Giving your mother's memory a special place in your holiday preparations and activities and openly acknowledging the loss that you and your father feel will be very beneficial.  Recognizing the challenges of the anniversary and working with your feelings will not make your father's and your lives the same again, but it may yield some valuable gifts that will help to pave the way for your new lives, and for less traumatic future anniversaries. 

Best wishes to you and your father, 

Laura Slap-Shelton, Psy.D. 
 

03/16/98

Laura Slap-Shelton, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist with a private practice in Biddeford, Maine. She has a specialty in neuropsychology and has published in the field of psychology. In her work, she addresses the needs of individuals who are grieving and also focuses on helping widows in developing countries where tradition has denied them basic human rights. You can reach her by fax at: (207) 282-5895.