Please remember, this column is designed to help the consumer seeking behavioral-health information, and not intended to be any form of psychotherapy or a replacement for professional, individualized services. Opinions expressed in the column are those of the columnist and do not represent the position of other SelfhelpMagazine.com staff.

Question

My spouse suffers from a chronic disease which includes chronic pain. I try to be of help and support but sometimes my spouse pushes me away. What can I do?

Answer

First of all, understand that your spouse pushing you away comes from the pain, not from anything you are doing or not doing. Odds are that he/she is very angry about the pain and that at times the anger comes out at you. That doesn't make his/her outbursts OK, just understandable. Be aware, too, of the sense of powerlessness with which both your spouse and you are likely to struggle.

Especially for you, it is likely very difficult to stand by and watch someone suffer for whom you care.

Your spouse may have tried some of the options I am going to mention. In any case, he/she may want to look into a pain clinic. Such clinics help persons with chronic pain through education as well as the use of such therapies as self-hypnosis and massage. You and your spouse might also benefit from sitting down with a family counselor so that you both can talk openly about each of your struggles and frustrations. Such dialogue will ensure that resentments do not become a problem.

03/06/99