Please remember, this column is designed to help the consumer seeking behavioral-health information, and not intended to be any form of psychotherapy or a replacement for professional, individualized services. Opinions expressed in the column are those of the columnist and do not represent the position of other SelfhelpMagazine.com staff.

Question

I am in the process of a divorce. My soon to be ex seems obsessed with me. He is always checking on me, driving by my house, grilling my daughter for information. He also calls my best friend's husband to see how often I am in contact with her since he is trying to make an issue of that relationship. Why is he doing this and what can I do to get him off my back?

Answer

I would guess that your husband has great control needs and that going through this divorce threatens those controls needs and so he escalates. People with control needs of such a level usually have some significant insecurities lurking around. Thus, the efforts for control. You need to inform your attorney of these goings-on. Your attorney may be able to look into something like a restraining order. Your attorney might also be able to offer you an opinion as to whether any of your husband's behavior falls within the domain of "stalking." If so, the law may be of some assistance. Finally, if your daughter is experiencing some distress from the "grillings," you might seek some assistance for her from a professional counselor.

01/12/99

Richard B. Patterson is a clinical psychologist in private practice in El Paso, TX. He is the author of three books on psychology and spirituality.