Please remember, this column is designed to help the consumer seeking behavioral-health information, and not intended to be any form of psychotherapy or a replacement for professional, individualized services. Opinions expressed in the column are those of the columnist and do not represent the position of other SelfhelpMagazine.com staff.

Question

I am a very insecure person. I am in a relationship in which I get upset with my boyfriend if he doesn't pay attention to me yet push him away if he does. I lost a cousin a few years ago to whom I was very close and things seem to have gotten a whole lot worse since then. My boyfriend says I am the most depressed person he knows. Can you help?

Answer

It sounds like intimacy is a difficult area for you at this time. You want intimacy yet when it is available to you, it frightens you. Where could this difficulty come from? One possibility is certainly the death of your cousin. When we care for someone, there is always the possibility of great pain if we lose that person.

The pain is especially pronounced when the loss comes through unexpected death. So we pull back and become reluctant to love again. Sometimes that's the task of grieving -- deciding to love again.

You might also have some difficulties in your background that could give rise to ambivalence about intimacy. Other hurtful relationships or even a distant or hostile relationship with either or both parents when you were growing up could be a source of pain and therefore a source of ambivalence about intimacy.

I'd suggest two things:
1. Begin keeping a journal. Start by writing about your cousin. even write a letter to him/her. Write also about your fears in relationships.
2. Consider sitting down with a counselor to examine a little more closely your fears about intimacy. This counselor might also be able to help you with your grieving over your cousin.

01/05/99

Richard B. Patterson is a clinical psychologist in private practice in El Paso, TX. He is the author of three books on psychology and spirituality.