Please remember, this column is designed to help the consumer seeking behavioral-health information, and not intended to be any form of psychotherapy or a replacement for professional, individualized services. Opinions expressed in the column are those of the columnist and do not represent the position of other SelfhelpMagazine.com staff.

Question

I have been working on trying to become more spiritual but am struggling with someone in my life who is difficult. She acts very irresponsibly but still expects me and my family to help her. She has two children and complains constantly about not having the money to take care of them. I want to do the right thing spiritually.

Answer

Good for you for working on your spiritual side! Unfortunately, some people, in trying to become more spiritual, give too much power to guilt as far as decisions are concerned.

Sometimes bailing people out of difficult situations is not the most helpful step. Take, for example, the alcoholic asking for money to go buy more alcohol. The helpful thing here is not to provide money. If you believe the children are being neglected, perhaps you can speak to a pastor or other helping person regarding what a state agency might be able to do if it were to intervene.

If you wish to continue to provide financial support, perhaps what you can do is offer to pay a specific bill, e.g., electricity, rather than giving this person cash, you can give her a check made out to the electric company or have her give you the bill so that you can go to the utility and pay it yourself. In this way, you help without enabling this person's irresponsibility.

12/07/98

Richard B. Patterson is a clinical psychologist in private practice in El Paso, TX. He is the author of three books on psychology and spirituality.