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Question

While this may not strictly be a health issue, it's affecting my health! I have two teenagers, both of whom are refusing to attend church. The more I push them to attend, the more negative they seem to become about religion. Any suggestions?

Answer

Having raised four teenagers, all of whom struggle with spiritual issues, I can certainly empathize. Basically, there are three routes you can take:

1. Grit your teeth and tough it out until your young people move on. Then what they do about religion will be up to them.

2. Let the issue go so that you have energy for the other battles you may have to wage.

3. Explore alternatives with your young persons.

Let's look more closely at each option. My own belief is that teenagers have more energy for creating battles than most adults. Therefore, we need to be selective, waging battles where we feel it is absolutely necessary and otherwise letting go of some issues. Church attendance may or may not be on your non-negotiable list. If it is, then you may need to continue to insist that they attend.

You're right, though, in observing that their negativity is likely to increase. Be prepared for the possibility that, when they leave home for college, etc., they may reject your religious tradition. This, I believe, is all part of the developmental task of making our beliefs our own rather than simply ones we have learned by rote.

With regard to the second option, if you choose not to make an issue of church attendance, this may allow your young persons to avoid important issues such as the reasons for suffering, concerns regarding social justice, etc. In other words, they may simply become spiritually lazy.

That brings us to the third option. Perhaps you can accept their objections to your particular form of religious practice while at the same time insisting that they have a plan of action for spiritual (not necessarily religious) development.

Within this approach, it is first of all extremely important to establish an open line of communication. Many of young persons objections to formal religions are worth listening to. Teenagers value honesty and authenticity and resent hypocrisy and inconsistency. Listen to what their objections are. See if you can help them find a way to address the issues within the religious context. If not, perhaps you can work on accepting that we cannot force religion on someone, especially a teenager. Perhaps you can insist that they have a plan of spiritual growth. This might consist of spiritual reading, journalling, or exploring other faiths. It might also consist of some sort of service work.

My own belief is that our churches have failed our teenagers. Young people are naturally inclined to search and question. This can be worked with if adults have an interest and take the time. Sadly, many of our religions offer neither.

03/14/98

Richard B. Patterson is a clinical psychologist in private practice in El Paso, TX. He is the author of three books on psychology and spirituality.