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Question

I am 45 years old and am trying to make peace with some spiritual issues. I find that I have some resentment toward the religion of my youth. I went to schools affiliated with my religion and have many painful memories of being told that I was going to hell for infractions such as eating meat on Fridays. Funny, but nowadays whenever I have a hamburger on Fridays, there's a part of me that feels guilty. Is there any way I can get past this?

Answer

Sadly, many of us had exposure to the dark side of religion. Sometimes the tenets of religion are used simply to control others. As with other types of negative control, this was accomplished through the induction of fear and guilt. In his courageous book "When God Becomes a Drug", Father Leo Booth calls this experience by its rightful name -- abuse. Many of us experienced emotional if not physical abuse under the guise of religion. As in families, some of this abuse came from persons who simply did not know any better; others, however, may have relished the sense of power such abuse gave them.

If, then, you find yourself struggling with "old tapes" of messages told to you in the name of religion, messages which tend to make you feel afraid and/or guilty, you may have been a victim of religion abuse. If you were told repeatedly in one way or another either that you are going to hell or that you are a bad person, you are a victim of religion abuse.

This is not to say that Fr. Booth whitewashes negative behavior; rather, he recognizes the important age-old moral distinction between the sin and the sinner and observes that, in the case of religion abuse, rather than hating the sin and loving the sinner, the abuser tends to lump sin and sinner together.

It takes some hard work and risk-taking to overcome religion abuse. This effort is best undertaken with the help of a compassionate spiritual guide. The fact that you go ahead and eat meat on a Friday, believe it or not, is a step in the right direction. When we come to a conclusion that a certain behavior is in fact not sinful but that old guilt feelings keep cropping up and holding us back, sometimes we have to "sin bravely." We sometimes have to go ahead and behave in a way which we believe is in accord with our more mature spirituality and then be prepared to confront the old guilts.

The second facet of healing from religion abuse is the task of forgiveness. I recall one time when I was in my twenties, I was talking with a Catholic priest and was complaining about some of the indignities I'd endured in Catholic grade schools. With genuine compassion, he said to me "At some point, we have to stop blaming our spiritual struggles on some well-meaning but misguided old nun from years ago." He was right,of course. Part of that task of moving on from the past was to forgive. By not forgiving, I was giving my spiritual power away. You might find my article on forgiveness helpful in this regard. You'll find it in the articles section of this magazine.

03/14/98

Richard B. Patterson is a clinical psychologist in private practice in El Paso, TX. He is the author of three books on psychology and spirituality.