Please remember, this column is designed to help the consumer seeking behavioral-health information, and not intended to be any form of psychotherapy or a replacement for professional, individualized services. Opinions expressed in the column are those of the columnist and do not represent the position of other SelfhelpMagazine.com staff.

Question

How can I make someone forgive me for the things I have done wrong?

Answer

Sadly, we cannot make someone forgive us. The decision to forgive is not something we can control. What we can control, however, is the manner in which we seek forgiveness and the willingness we make available to make amends.

The key element in seeking someone else's forgiveness is the communication that we are willing to help that person heal by listening to their hurt. To often, we ask forgiveness but then, when the wounded person wants to talk about it, we get defensive. So, in seeking forgiveness, make sure before you start that you are willing to listen to the other person's hurt without trying to explain or justify yourself.

Amends involves making restoration if necessary. For instance, if you steal $500 from me then ask for my forgiveness, I think my forgiveness will come more easily if you also present a plan for getting me back my $500!

03/14/98

Richard B. Patterson is a clinical psychologist in private practice in El Paso, TX. He is the author of three books on psychology and spirituality.