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Question

I am a medical professional and have worked a great deal with the theme of forgiveness. I believe that I identified the major sources of anger in my life and that I have resolved most of my issues; however, significant others in my life often tell me that I'm out of touch with my emotions and that I'm more of a thinker than a feeler.
Do I have to turn into a feelings person to feel any inner peace? Are my relationships destined for failure if I'm not a feelings person?

Answer

Perhaps I can share with you a little of what my son Andrew has taught me. He is a thinker living in a family of emotive people and so at one time expressed to me his sense of alienation within the family. Since then, he the thinker and I the feeler have worked on finding more common ground. One thing he has shown me is that he does indeed have feelings! He just doesn't always see their relevance to the issue at hand. With that in mind, I try more often to ask him, "What do you think?" rather than, "What do you feel?" For his part, he has worked on expressing certain feelings such as love via physical affection rather than his preferred mode, the sharing of ideas.

So a place to start might be to simply assess your own awareness of your feelings. Can you tell when you are feeling sad? Angry? Joyful? If so, that's the biggest part of the battle. Do you have to express your feelings to have peace and serenity? Well, this may be heresy but no I don't think you do. Your worth as a person ought not depend upon how well you articulate your feelings. Feelings tend to become more of a problem when they occur with limited awareness. Celebrate your gifts whatever they may be.

As for relationships, given that opposites do indeed attract, odds are that you may be drawn to persons who articulate their feelings well. Learn from them. Don't pretend to be something you're not, but do communicate your willingness to learn and your interest in meeting the other person's needs. And keep in mind that you have something to offer for the other person's growth as well, perhaps a deeper appreciation for the world of ideas or the place of reason in human affairs.

Finally, you indicate having had anger but having reached a place of forgiveness. This is substantial inner work worthy of your respect. People who manage to free themselves of resentments have earned their spurs as far as dealing with emotions is concerned. Finding a place of forgiveness is much closer to that place of peace and serenity that you long for. There are lots of "emotionally eloquent" people out there who are being destroyed by resentments!

03/14/98

Richard B. Patterson is a clinical psychologist in private practice in El Paso, TX. He is the author of three books on psychology and spirituality.