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How do I Deal with a Failing but Uncooperative Parent?

by Emily Carton, MA, LISW

 
My mother who lives several hours away, has started to decline in health at the age of 71. Medical tests have been inconclusive. Since she is almost incapable of walking now, and has very little strength, it seems apparent that something is not right. She has survived one crisis - a fall with concussion and bleeding on the brain. My mother does not want to leave her house (she hasn't for 9 months). She is skeptical about receiving help and has become distrustful of medical profession. Plus her family physician does not return my calls. So my questions are: should I accept a wait and see attitude, and if not, how do I create a concrete plan given such little information that I have right now?

Your mother is still young and it appears that she is in need of some real help. I have several recommendations. First, there needs to be a physician that will work with both your and your mother. It is essential that both you and your mother be able to have an open discussion with any professional that you are working with and that your concerns are respected and taken seriously.

I suggest you find a social worker prior to your visit and also, arrange for a geriatrician to see her. The fact that your mother has not left her house in nine months, is skeptical about help, and mistrustful, could indicate a change in mental status which may or my not be due to the fall. A comprehensive assessment would include looking at her behavior over a long period of time to determine when any changes occurred and whether they are organic in nature. Someone needs to look at both the physical and mental health aspect of her changes. A geriatric specialist should be able to find a strategy for visiting with your mother's home and are accustomed to working with people who are reluctant to seek help. There may be some physicians, depending on where your mother lives, who may be willing to do an initial home visit, especially since your mother is frightened to go out. You can arrange these appointments prior to your visit, which will save you a great deal of time.

A wait and see attitude may cause you great guilt in the end. While there are some situations where there is nothing one can do, or doing nothing is the best of all the alternatives, it sounds as if your mother has had some dramatic changes over the short period of time. In older people, change is the first thing one looks for. If you try to secure her help and nothing happens, at least you know you have done what you could do.. There is a chance that your mother, who is still relatively young, may be helped and I would advise finding someone who can be your eyes and ears when you are not there.

Resources:

The National Association of Geriatric Care Managers in Tucson, Arizona 520/881-8008 maintains a National Directory of Geriatric Care Managers

Children of Aging Parents can also help you locate agencies or services 800-227-7294

The American Geriatric Society in New York maintains a national directory of Geriatricians. 212-308-1414

Eldercare Locator will help you find State Agencies on Aging 800-667-1116

About the Author:

Emily Carton MA, LISW is a licensed social worker who specializes in working with older people.

Originally published 3/12/98
Revised 9/17/08 by Marlene M. Maheu, Ph.D.
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