Please remember, this column is designed to help the consumer seeking behavioral-health information, and not intended to be any form of psychotherapy or a replacement for professional, individualized services. Opinions expressed in the column are those of the columnist and do not represent the position of other SelfhelpMagazine.com staff.

Question

I am an only child and live hundreds miles away from my parents. One parent is very depressed and doesn't want to seek help and the other, although still in relatively good health, is older and becoming more frail. I can't pick up and leave my job to take care of them but want to help as much as I can. Any suggestions?

Answer

I suggest you begin by being candid with your parents about your concerns. Depression is a serious illness and can be treated. You need to stress that depressive illness does not have the negative connotation that it once did.

Are there people (friends, clergy, or anyone who you can identify) who live near them and whom they might listen to? Would they accept having someone come to talk with them? A very caring and loving approach should be attempted first -- sometimes just saying "I need you to do this for me" can make a parent feel that they are acting on your behalf. Is there a physician with whom you can speak? Would they go and see him or her?

Every state has a Department of Aging which can provide the names of social service agencies that are nearest to your parents. There are also private care managers who have specific expertise in the area of geriatrics and who can provide more specific services. If your parents have a religious affiliation there are social services agencies specifically for people of Jewish, Catholic, and other religious and ethnic backgrounds. It is very useful to get a full assessment by someone who can provide a care plan that would identify needs and services.

Someone who lives in the area needs to begin the slow process of developing a relationship with your parents so that he/she can be your eyes and ears and also develop trust with your parents. Long distance caring is not easy. But if you find someone who can be there when you are not, it will ease your mind by providing the support your parents need when you are not there.

A good geriatric care manager or social worker will have various ways of approaching your parents. They are well trained and knowledgeable about working with reluctant clients.

Talk with someone for more specific advice about how to encourage your parents to get the help. This will help you, and your parents, as well. If they still refuse, you will know that you have done everything that you can.

Children of Aging Parents: 800-227-7294 Eldercare Locator 800-667-1116

3/12/98

Emily Carton MA, LISW, is a licensed social worker who works with Elder Options, a private care social service firm in the DC Metropolitan Area. She is also an is an intern in Bibliotherapy at St. Elizabeth's Hospital in Washington D.C.