Memories are good — if you can remember them, of course. And that seemed to be my problem. I was absolutely sure I had a great childhood and keys to my car, but I couldn't quite recollect. It was becoming a tad embarrassing at times, wandering around the grocery store (again) looking for my misplaced cart (again). It was even slightly alarming when I was pretty sure that I had forgotten a kid...somewhere...one of them anyway....

So, I decided to take one of those memory improvement courses. (I had meant to read a self-help book, but kept forgetting to buy the darn thing.) I wasn't at all chagrined to enter the hotel conference room, crowded with other people-with-sieves-for-brains. I reasoned that, if they were anything like me, they'd forget my name the moment we were introduced.

Of course we all had reams of papers and a clutch of pens — paper to write down every last word in order to make the later loss greater, and pens to replace the ones "temporarily" gone astray. Hey — we may be memory incompetents, but we were organized!

The speaker (what's-his-name) was entertaining and had suggestions from the mundane (make LISTS and always put everything away in the SAME PLACE...duh!) to the practical (paint your car a neon school-bus yellow — or better yet DRIVE a school bus) to the utterly outrageous. It's the latter that I'd like to detail here as, by following that plan, I was actually able to regurgitate a list of twenty (20) items, dictated by Mr. Lecturer, WITHOUT writing them down - AND IN ORDER!

It's like this: your boss is screaming directives as she runs for her plane. You've GOT to remember it all — every item. "Call Harris first! Make SURE the Harris account is ready to go! Then get the memo out — it's for the first at noon — reserve the boardroom. Don't forget the mailing list on the Conrad file — it's got to be out by the 9th! And you'd better interview those temps coming in for the next two weeks. The copier needs to be serviced today and get John to pick up some coffee supplies and e-mail head office about those new banking service charges. See ya!"

What you do is: get a picture of your CAR in your head. Sit behind the wheel. Feel it. See it. Close your eyes. Really see it.

Once you've got that firmly fixed in your head, picture Harris. Gosh, what's HAPPENED to the man? His head's shaped like a telephone. Picture Harris getting bigger and bigger. Picture Big Telephone-Head Harris picking up your car. Telephone Head has got your car! In his hand!

And then, see the memo. Oh my goodness, the memo is wedged into Telephone Head's left nostril. I think he's going to sneeze! What will happen to the memo?? And what's wrong with those words: "first", "noon" and "reserve boardroom"? Why are they dangling off the memo, hanging down the side of Harris's cheek? Harris! Hang on to those words and DON'T SNEEZE!

And what's that thing in Harris's other hand? It's an envelope. It's a great big envelope, the size of an entire city block. There's no way the man can carry my car AND that envelope!! Good grief! The envelope's opening...!! And...and...I can't believe this - it's...CONRAD!! Conrad's in the envelope with a great big candle in the shape of a 9 on his head — and the candle's lit! It's a big 9 and it's lit and it's MELTING! And Conrad's shouting something: "Get it out! Get it out!".

Can anything else happen? Oh no! Two great big gorillas have just jumped out of the envelope that Harris's holding and are trying to blow out the candle!! And they're beating on the photocopier -"HEY, HEY YOU GORILLAS! Cut that out! Eh?" Oh, they're helping!! Oh, dear...they must be the temps.

But NOW what's happening? This is awful! It's raining coffee grounds all over my car and Conrad and Harris and the gorillas...and - hey! - was that a gunshot? Who on earth-? Oh no! It's our bank manager — he's shooting enormous foil-covered chocolate coins at everybody. TAKE COVER!!!!

Okay, we're done. Now turn away from your computer (dear reader) and make a "to do" list based on the pictures in your head. Remember to begin with the mental image of your car.

1. Telephone-Head Harris (call Harris)
2. Memo's stuck in Harris's nose (send memo)
3. Words dangling on his cheek: first, noon, reserve boardroom (contents of memo)
4. Envelope (mailing list)
5. Conrad popping out of the envelope, with a big number 9 melting candle on his head (mailing list has to get out by the fifth)
6. Two gorillas (temps), beating on the copier (get it fixed)
7. Raining coffee grounds (buy coffee)
8. Getting shot at by bank manager (send e-mail reservice charges)

How'd you do?

Try it with something simple first, like a short grocery list (with your written one handy, just in case!). Remember to have your "base image" (i.e., your car or house or something else you know really really well), and then — well, the crazier the better!

Now, if only I could find my purse....

05/01/01