SELF ESTEEM: WHY AM I?

by Camille Pierce

There's a particular song I like. The lyrics are:

"Why am I uncertain, unsettled, unsure of myself? Why am I wandering, looking for meaning? Never once seeming to find what I'm looking for...? Is there no knowing? No sense of direction? My steps take me nowhere. And yet I go on trying. As my heart is crying, why am I?"

I now seem to be looking for more meaning in life by asking the question, Why am I? Sometimes I ask myself, "Why am I wandering, looking for meaning?"...or "What did I do wrong? Occasionally, I question "Why do I feel so frustrated and alone?" "Are my mood swings strictly a result of a medical disability, personal losses or both? I have no desire to do bodily harm and yet I often feel that friends and family are rejecting me because I feel unworthy. "My steps (seem to) take me nowhere. And yet I go on trying...."

As I look back on life, it is my understanding that my delivery into this world was, medically speaking, very difficult. Perhaps, there was some brain damage. During my childhood, I had several serious, life threatening illnesses. Then came the seizures, anti-convulsant therapy and often a low white blood count. Thirty years later, I continue to have epilepsy but I'm thankful for the many personal talents I have developed. I've found an inner strength in body, mind and spirit that I can truly say will never make me feel personally weak, but strong and fully capable to endure many personal challenges that life has to offer.

I'll always remember an experience that happened to me in grade school. One minute I was in a very accelerated reading group. Some time later, it was a school's decision to place me in a beginners circle. About a year later, I could only understand very simple reading quizzes. A short while later, I easily completed the most difficult level of comprehension available. Many clinicians have voiced their possibilities as to why my behavior was so erratic. Perhaps, my behavior was an excellent example of Attention Deficit Disorder.

What really confused matters was that I excelled, with great ease, at many different talents and sports. I was a gifted and highly trained cheerleader. I taught, trained and competed in local, state and national gymnastics, received many awards as a competitive swimming and diving champion, coached women's softball, was accepted into a special musical comedy workshop, attended Julliard School of Music as a very gifted and promising student and received top scholastic and communication honors in college.

And yet, I failed at what I consider to be an extremely important mission in many women's lives. My ablility to conceive children was unsucessful. My only marriage fell apart and I may never be fully clear as to the reasons why. I basically understand the reasoning as to why I was unable to enter the priesthood. Years ago, church members didn't feel comfortable having a female lead certain parts of the service. In theory, I could accept that. But, I'll never forget an important fact. Even though I was an effective "single woman" church leader, I sometimes heard people say to me, "Why don't you get married, dear? You would be considered so valuable then." "Always remember the commandment that talks about honoring your husband."

Religious values have been extremely important all my life. My mother insisted that I memorize the 23rd Psalm at the age of 5. When I was baptized into a presbyterian church at 8 years of age, I was required to recite many parts of scripture by heart. Years later, when I was confirmed into the Episcopal tradition, I believed, with no hesitation, that the Lord helps those who help themselves. Yet, how does a person get stronger when they haven't the emotional strength or persistence to improve their self-worth? I understand my brother who was an award winning naval officer had an I.Q. of about 160. He also died of alcohol abuse at the age of 40. When I was only 12 years old, my father, who I dearly adored, died of bone and brain cancer after a year's stay in an excellent hospital. A few years ago, my mother passed away due to cancer, alcohol abuse, stress and poor self-management. Now, I have no living immediate family members, no children of my own, very little contact with family relatives and an occasionally strange reputation to boot!! Now, to my dismay, I find myself becoming what some might call "an old maid."

My brother once gave me a coffee mug that I often use. It says, "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." I sometimes wonder why Reinhold Niebuhr wrote those words. It is very difficult for me to understand that some of life's events will surely be out of my personal control. I can accept the fact that I had no options over the unfortunate deaths of my immediate family. But, am I at fault for having epilepsy and ruining any possibility of having a meaningful relationship with someone in the future? Over the years, I've done extensive research in personal / self-help psychology, but my self-esteem is in current turmoil, to say the least!

After intricate brain surgery at Stanford a couple years ago, I found a book called, The Survival Personality by Al Siebert, PH.D. Part of it says, "A few, however, reach within themselves and find ways to cope with the adversity...(they have) an amazing capacity for surviving crises and extreme difficulties....They thrive by gaining strength from adversity and often convert misfortune into a gift."

Somehow, those words affected me. I knew I had a very successful surgical recovery. But why? How was I able to become stronger with each passing day? I was aware that this type of intricate medical procedure could possibly make other neurology patients feel as though there was nothing to live for. How could anyone rationally think that personal misfortune could actually be a gift in disguise? One day, while watching a talk show in my hospital room, I heard a guest say, "Don't ever give up on yourself and don't surrender!" I've since had those words framed and hanging in a prominent area of my apartment.

After a while, I started getting bored with always being emotionally depressed about my current lifestyle. My negative self-value began to change after I read a part of Patricia Cleghorn's book, "The Secrets of Self-Esteem" entitled, "You deserve to be happy." It says, "You are not here to suffer. Yet sometimes you may notice that when you're happy and contented at least for some continous period of time you find yourself wondering if it's too good to be true."(p. 10) There's a part of Cam that wants people to sympathize with her. Another side of her says, "Hey, everybody, I'm really suffering from emotional wounds. Maybe a 12-step program is the only sure thing that will cure me!" Then my inner voice said, "Cam, only you and no one else are responsible for your self-improvement and esteem." I felt rather frightened by hearing that outburst. However, it was my general belief that when possible, try it. It might actually make sense and be useful!

Cleghorn continues, "Yet we are very often harsh with ourselves, not pausing to see how we can treat ourselves well....Treating yourself well is part of having high self-esteem." (p. 11) Perhaps, the lyrics to the song I mentioned earlier, "Why am I uncertain, unsettled, unsure of myself...?" could also mean, "Cam, why are you so harsh with yourself?" Perhaps, a meaningful answer to all of us is that we do, indeed, deserve personal happiness. No matter how difficult it may be to obtain. I continue to learn that even though my personal and spiritual path may be blinded by many obstacles, I'll somehow persevere in finding a clear, open and positive field of enlightened dreams.

I continue to learn that nothing in life is simple or easily recognizable. Many years ago, when Neil Armstrong became the first man to land on the moon, I remember him saying, "One small step for man. One giant leap for mankind." Little by little, Cam is learning to be more gentle and honest with herself. Reviewing her mistakes and achievements with less negativity. She's beginning to have a more positive outlook on her future life while maintaining a healthy sense of reality. There's a phrase I always keep handy, "When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Start Laughing." I'll always remember the way my father laughed and slapped his knee! Perhaps, a healthy sense of humor should be a primary ingredient in everyone's idea of personal self-worth!!!

I'll make errors as I continue to learn the true nature of my strengths and weaknesses. And, I have a fear of the unknown. Some say that life is just beginning at 50 years of age. Perhaps, they're right!

Camille Pierce is a Human Communication Advocate, Internet Researcher and occasionally writes for online websites and print newspapers. She's done graduate research work in human communication and humanistic psychology at Portland State University & audits classes at UC Santa Cruz when possible. In her 50 years, Cam's competed in many state/national sports, modern dance and vocal competitions. She has a seizure disorder and suggests that mind/body or Complementary/Alternative Medicine is important in many psychological and neurological health problems.