Author Topic: Am I a pedophile?  (Read 37305 times)

anonymous

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Am I a pedophile?
« on: May 25, 2004, 04:13:23 PM »
I have an embarassing problem that I've never been able to talk with anyone about.  I have 3 kids, two girls (6 and 2) and one boy (4) and lots of nieces and nephews.

My problem is, whenever I hold, cuddle, hug or kiss my daughters, I get an erection.  This also happens when I see them naked.  I do not have any desire to do anything sexual with them, and I have never molested a child.  This does not happen with my son or any other boy.

Does this mean I am sexually attracted to little girls and that I'm a pedophile?  I know I would never harm a child, and I have a normal sexual relationship with my wife.  I am completely monogamous and abstained from sex before marriage.

Does this happen to other men?  Is there anything I can do to stop it?  I would like to be able to pick up my child, change a diaper, or give a bath with getting an erection.

Babe

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Re: Am I a pedophile?
« Reply #1 on: May 27, 2004, 02:07:38 PM »
Pedophilia occurs when a sexually mature adult fantasizes about, obtains arousal from or engages in sexual behavior with pre-pubescent children. Pedophiles tend to have preferences for male or female children (but not both). They may be exclusively children focused, or they may also be interested in adult sexuality. Pedophiles commonly rationalize their deviant behavior (which may include fondling only, or actual child-rape) as being educational and for the child?s benefit. They may also believe that their child victim has sexually seduced them. It is fairly common that the pedophile will threaten the child so as to keep their predatory sexual behavior secrete. Because the pedophile often is the parent or step-parent of the victim child, or has worked hard to gain the confidence of the parents, there are often few perceived safe people and places who a child could report their victimization to anyway.

Please find yourself a psychiatrist and a psychologist to work with on this issues. There is cause for concern. When finding professionals to work with, ask if they are knowledgable at sexual parahillia, particularly pedophilia.

Possibly, desensitazation techniques would work for you. Good Luck.

Belinda

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Re: Am I a pedophile?
« Reply #2 on: June 01, 2004, 04:25:04 PM »
I would define a pedophile by both their actions (any sexual contact with children) and also their distorted belief systems (children want sex, children are seductive and they cause their own sexual abuse, sexual abuse does not hurt children, touching and fondling is not harmful, if I am not violent I'm not hurting the child, if the child doesn't fight back it's not sexual abuse, and on and on and on.....).

As you can see, a pedophiles belief system is a collection of outlandish distortions and lies.  These rationalizations, denial and lies serve to make the pedophile more comfortable with what he has done to innocent children.

It sounds like you know right from wrong.  You know that any sexual contact with a child is wrong and you don't want that.  It sounds like you are bothered by your physiological/sexual reaction to children.  A pedophile may be bothered, but he does not seek guidance--he just further denies his feelings.  If he acts on those feelings, he further distorts reality to support the sick stuff he does.   You sound very conscientious.  You do not sound like a pedophile to me.  I applaud you for asking these difficult questions.

I'm a survivor of sexual abuse.  I have learned a great deal about the horrible effects of sexual abuse--which can last well into adulthood.  One thing I experienced, while changing my daughter's diapers--is the notion that children are sexual.  This bothered me horrendously.   My therapist said that most survivors experience this.  Survivors will have sexual feelings for children or they will see children as sexual or sexy.  These feelings are disturbing to the survivor.  My therapist said that when children are molested, the notion that "children are sexual" is carved into their psyches at a very tender age.  When chidren are forced, by predators, to be sexual objects, this may lead to a child correlating children with sex.  

First let me say that I am not a therapist, nor am I qualified to judge your past.  However, your post struck some chords with me, and I am wondering if you were ever sexually abused.   Do you have any memories of anyone sexually abusing you? Did you ever act out sexually as a child?  Acting out as a child is a huge red flag that sexual abuse has occurred.  I know that when my children hit the age of 2, these sexual thoughts started---and other relatives have confirmed that my abuse began at around 2 and a half.  My daughter's naked bodies triggered the memories of my own 2-year old body and the sexual abuse it had endured.  I learned to understand that I was not desiring to sexually abuse my children--I was simply remembering feelings about what happened to me.  I learned to understand those feelings and they have since disappeared.  It sounds like your body may be automatically reacting (and possibly remembering) sexual abuse, much in the same way that I was remembering my own abuse.

I applaud you for asking these questions--and I also want to caution you.   These feelings are NOT normal.  These feelings are  a sign that something is amiss.   Most pedophiles begin with these feelings only, too.  Environmental triggers, their own dysfunction, selfishness and other factors--cause them to act on their behaviors.  I would not leave this unchecked--for one nanosecond--especially with children in the house.  My father was not a pedophile, until our family broke down and financial troubles triggered stress.  My father must have had the distorted thinking--but he didn't act on that thinking until extreme environmental stress triggers caused him to completely go off the deep end.  It's a gamble to not take care of this.

If you were abused at a very early age--you wouldn't remember it consciously, but your unconscious mind would have made the connection between sex and children.  If that is what happened--then it is essential to find a therapist who can help you work through your past.  You don't need to remember abuse details to heal from abuse.  Often, abuse is evident by our symptoms.  Getting erections around children may be a red flag that somehow, someone was sexual with you.

Only a qualified therapist can judge your situation accurately.  I would find a good therapist who specializes in sexual abuse.  

Also, most pedophiles are married men.  Our society has a distorted view of who the pedophile is.   I think most pedophiles don't believe they are pedophiles--because of society's sterotype of the scraggly, toothless old man hanging out in parks in a dirty trenchcoat.  My father is a respected business owner who lives in a upper-middle class neighborhood.  Most of the survivors in my support group come from intact, 2-parent families and their fathers are insurance salesmen, doctors, pastors, accountants, police officers, carpenters, etc.  My therapists treats pedophiles and he describes these guys are "average joes" with above-average intelligence and most are good looking.   This is one reason why survivors don't come forward.  Society does not want to accept that the financial consultant next door is molesting his children.  Society is in denial. Everyone wants to feel safe, believing that pedophiles are dirty and easily detectable.   Most molestations occur in the child's home, by someone in the immediate family or someone the family knows very well.  It is not a rare occurence either.  Most studies suggest 1 in 4 females and 1 in 7 boys is molested before age 18.

I think you are brave for posting here and I hope that you find a qualified, experienced therapist who can help you sort this out.  I wish you the best of luck and I commend you for being conscientious enough to come here and ask these difficult questions.  If my father had one tenth of your courage, thoughtfulness and compassion--I would not have suffered through years of therapy for PTSD, eating disorders, panic attacks, depression and other symptoms of profound trauma.

You are a good man.  Now, go find a good therapist.

Respectfully,
Belinda

Jim

  • Guest
Re: Am I a pedophile?
« Reply #3 on: June 10, 2004, 01:06:18 PM »
I noticed that both responders were women (I think) and you probably wanted to hear from some men.  There are some things that women don't understand about men and their physiological responses to sexual stimuli.

An erection is an involuntary physiological response.  Men are primarily stimulated visually.  As "Belinda" stated, children are sexual beings, and most adults feel that children are attractive.  Indeed, people spend lots of money trying to appear more youthful.  The sight of bare female genitals, even a child's, is enough to start an erection in many men.  This is an involuntary response, and I don't think women understand this.  The difference between a pedophile and a normal adult man is what happens in the brain afterwards.  A normal man might think "that's a cute little girl" and move on, while a pedophile will start to have sexual fantasys about the child and may act them out.  You've stated that you have no desire to do anything sexual to a child.  Your knowledge of right and wrong and desire to conform to society's standards kicks in to curb the autonomous response.  This discipline is the basis of morality, and Pedophiles lack this for a variety of reasons.

Kissing, cuddling and hugging are also associated with sex and can produce an erection.  Again, the difference is with your wife these activities can proceed to intercourse, whereas with your daughters they can't and don't.  Again, morality and self-control are the difference.  You wouldn't have a sexual relationship with an adult woman other than your wife for the same reason.

I think your issue is more common than you might think, and I don't think you are a pedophile.  But the fact that you worry about it makes me think that you should consider something "Belinda" said.  You may have been sexually molested as child, and this is the source of your anxiety.  A good therapist can help you explore this further.  You certainly don't need aversion therapy; why would you want to be "averse" to expressing normal affection with your kids?  Nor should you hesitate to bathe, change diapers, and otherwise care for your kids, male or female.

BabeCakes

  • Guest
Re: Am I a pedophile?
« Reply #4 on: June 13, 2004, 07:37:27 PM »
WELL NOW, wasn't that a venting post Kay, K,Oh Belinda, What am  I thinking. Back to trying to use the ugly bag of tricks again? The entire post, granted some valuable information, was gun-ho!

This person comes here to lay out some sensitive, highly intimate self revelations, he does deserve respect. I am dialoging with a convicter child serial molester, and his wife. Though doing so tugs deep from my heart. They are all people.

Give the world a pat on the back from time to time, look above, see through those clouds, smile at the heaven's. If each person in the world did this for 60 secs, God/Your HIgher Power, could look down and smile on us, while we weren't busy doing our self  willed projects.

Babes

  • Guest
Re: ? for anonymous
« Reply #5 on: June 15, 2004, 02:55:02 PM »
HI there,

I've given it some serious thought and would like to ask for permission to quote your post entirely, and present it to a Clinical Sex Therapist, who heads another site, I'm sure you could get much more input. The other person is my Mentor, he is very well versed in such matters. So, if you would like I can give it a try on your behalf. Let me know. Either post back here or email me at Babesheartstwo@hotmail.com.  Babe

isobel

  • Guest
Re: ? for anonymous
« Reply #6 on: June 18, 2004, 12:53:53 AM »
Thankyou for posting.  This has really helped me to perhaps understand what my father may be going through.  Although part of me wants to run away, the other part wants to stay and try and sort it out.  The problem I have is that when my father cuddles me, I am aware that he has been aroused by me, and that when he looks at me, I know he is attracted to me sexually.  Because I was sexually abused by a neighbour, and because I get harrassed by men when I go out, this feels very threatening to me.  If I ask him to stop cuddling me, he starts to abuse me. He does seem to need a lot of affection, which may have been missing in his early life? He did confess once that he had been abused as a child, and I know he shared his bed with his mother, whilst his father was away. I do not know if these were connected.  I applaud you for posting this obviously sensitive situation, and this gives me great hope in finding a way back to my father, whom I love very deeply. Take babes advice-she knows what shes doing. All the best- good luck

Babe

  • Guest
Re: for anonymous & isobel
« Reply #7 on: June 18, 2004, 06:14:33 AM »
Hi isobel,

I am very sorry to hear of your abuse in the past. You didn't mention you age. I am not trying to bash this site or forum, but below is the site address for WEBMD, who also hosts boards. They have moderator's and the top person's replying are professionally licensed. They also encourage peer counseling or advice. Give it a try. I took my spot back there. I can be found in Sex Abuse, Sex Matters and Sexuality Friends talking. Also, I drop in on depression and relationships. I'm under Babecakes59.  Registration is very easy on the site. So, try here:

~Home pg  Complete lists of topics

~ Sexual Abuse

~Sex Matters
~Sexuality Friends Talking

Please check it out. Good luck and stay Strong!  Luv, Babe
« Last Edit: May 25, 2014, 06:32:59 PM by emendoza »

isobel

  • Guest
Re: for anonymous & Babe
« Reply #8 on: June 19, 2004, 12:19:19 AM »
Hi Babe
Thankyou for all your help. You cannot realise just how much difference this has made to my life.  I have registered on to the site you mentioned, and will endeavour to resolve my issues.  Thanks again.
Luv
Isobel

To anonymous

Some men get erections when they may be watching something very innocuous. An old boyfriend confided that he got an erection whilst watching flowers on TV. Hope this helps.
Isobel

Babe

  • Guest
Re: isobel
« Reply #9 on: June 19, 2004, 06:25:47 AM »
Hi isobel, there are many here now and many who have moved on, who were in your same shoes, or close enough. I hope some of this does help. I'll be in Sex Matters, with Dr. Cole, until I can catch up. Then I move around the various topics. Hope to see you there.

Babe

  • Guest
isobel
« Reply #10 on: June 19, 2004, 04:54:34 PM »
Hi, nice to hear you registered there. What is the nickname you will be using? If you care to share, I'll look you up. Me BabeCakes59. Hope to hear from you again soon.  Luv & Hugs, Babe

ANGEL

  • Guest
Re: isobel forbabe and anonymous
« Reply #11 on: June 20, 2004, 11:48:40 PM »
Name change. Using community based internet site and previous user has logged in under this name. Can''t change and not able to log in onto computer with my name.  Better situated for personal interaction-so look for ANGEL in future.
Lots of purging of emotions, sobbing last night, deep release of pent up feelings that I've had for years since childhood.  Feeling much much  much better -thanks to you.  Nickname is IZZIE9956.  But having trouble accessing site, computer seems unable to download site properly??? watch this post for news.  Fathers day here.  Letters were exchanged. turned a corner in our relationship. healing is taking place. Sorry to anonymous for posting on this site.
For anonymous
? Read somewhere that a man shows his love to a woman by making love to her.  Perhaps he is just feeling his love for his children, and unconsciously his brain causes the involuntary reaction.  Apparently the same part of the brain is stimulated for romantic love and for paternal love. is this true? Saw something on TV?? Just a thought.

ANGELa

  • Guest
Re: Am I a pedophile?
« Reply #12 on: June 27, 2004, 12:19:33 AM »
have I been banned by posting on this one too?

Babes

  • Guest
Re: Am I a pedophile?
« Reply #13 on: June 27, 2004, 07:10:16 AM »
Hi Hon,

They may taking this toic of the list. I haven't tried to post here for a while but I will later today. This site has been really fickle the last several months. Don't take it personal. I'll see what happens when I post and i will send you a copy. Don't take it person just yet.  Hugs, Babes,   email me anytime, I have several good sites that may be of help.  Hugs and Love, Babe
'

younglover

  • Guest
Re: Am I a pedophile?
« Reply #14 on: September 02, 2004, 05:51:22 PM »
you got pedophile mixed up with child molester pedophiles dont use force child molestors do