Author Topic: Depression & Anxiety - I am so sad...  (Read 27912 times)

jjunalo

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Depression & Anxiety - I am so sad...
« on: October 16, 2008, 05:25:37 PM »
Hi guys,

I am new to the site.  I am so depressed about my past and anxious about the future.  I recently lost my job, relationship, and I feel so lonely.  I have friends but I have no one to connect with regarding the adversities that I am going through right now.  I've noticed that I have been unhappy with myself for quite a few years now and to be honest I don't think I have ever been happy with myself.  I am 32 yr old male and I feel like such a failure.  I am shy, I don't feel like a man.  I feel like a little boy without any direction in life, I don't know what I like, I don't even have the self love to take care of myself.  I know what I need to do in order to change my life but I don't have the motivation or drive to do so.  I worry about my health and dying at an early age because recently I have been smoking about 1 pack a day.  I stay away from alcohol, because I know that's not the answer and it will exacerbate my stress.  I am coming out of a relationship that should have ended years ago and stood in it knowing quite well that the person I was with was not attracted to me.  She loved me but was not in love with me and I knew she was dating other people and I would go back to her after she had broken up with whoever she was dating at that time.  We have a child together and I have another daughter from a previous relationship.  I know I brought this situation onto myself.  It's clear to me that I did.  I have been a weak person all my life and I have never established any boundaries in the relationship or anyone else. I have let people take advantage of me.  These past 32 years of my life have led me to the situation that I am in.  At times I am strong and willing to do what needs to be done in order to get myself out of this hole but a few minutes later I am back to being this weak person.  I have deep self-esteem issues and I have no confidence in myself whatsoever.  Eventhough, it might take finding a job or meeting another woman to make me feel better and gain confidence about myself, but I've had these things in my life and I was still insecure.  I just want to be happy with myself.  I know if I learn how to love myself that I can get whatever I want and to start loving myself I have to quit smoking, start exercising and caring about myself, set goals and accomplishing them and I will gain the confidence and ultimately learn to fight for my rights as a person and a man, but I just don't have the motivation.  I am beginning to think that I am just lazy.

Thank you for reading (listening) to me.

Dini

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Re: Depression & Anxiety - I am so sad...
« Reply #1 on: October 18, 2008, 03:21:03 PM »
JJunalo,

Hello and welcome to these forums.  I'm glad you felt comfortable enough to come here and have the emotional courage to say what is truly going on with you; in my humble opinion, that takes courage and I admire it!  (tu)  So, you know, for all of the negative things you said about yourself in your post, by the very act of writing and hitting that "send" button and allowing yourself to open up and be vulnerable, in my humble opinion you did something VERY positive and courageous.  Give yourself a big pat on the back for that one my friend.  You deserve it!  (tu)  A LOT of people don't have that kind of courage.

First I'll just say that there are plenty of people around here with great insight (certainly greater than mine), compassion, wisdom and honesty.  If you keep being as straightforward and honest as you have been, they will respond to you on this, YOUR thread.  (And this thread IS yours).  But a suggestion or two for getting to be "known" around here JJunalo would be to mosey around in other threads, and if you see something you relate to or have experienced, just chime in, even if it's just to say, "yeah, I've been there too, I know how you feel."  That alone is often a great comfort to me; to know that I am not alone, and be reminded of it (because I need to be reminded of most things about every five minutes....hehee).  If you do a little of that, "give" of yourself a little that way, people will respond more to you here, in your thread.  Also, sorry it took so long to respond to you; sometimes I get bogged down in "following" threads and don't notice a new one; I think that may be true for others here AND DOES NOT mean that people are not interested and will not respond to you.  OK?  Hang in there, people will come rallying around here.

So I'm no mental health expert (well, I've got a little bit of expertise in receiving their services.....hehee) but I can give you my honest feelings and reactions to what you have written and that's where I'll go.  I hope there is something I say which is helpful.  I should also say that I have suffered from severe depression and know what that experience is like, and currently am in therapy and take anti-depressants.  I'm also a sober alky (I noticed you mentioned that you don't drink because you have good sense to know that drinking won't make things better for you - I give you a great deal of credit for that; it took me a while to figure that one out).  So those are kind of the truth in advertising disclosures.

Basically, as I read through your post JJunalo, I see someone who is writing about being depressed.  Don't get me wrong; as I said, I am not a professional and I am not "diagnosing" I am just relating what you have expressed to my own experience.  Depression is a disease and not a "failure" or a moral (or any other sort of) weakness.  AND IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!  If you look around this website, or others, it is pretty easy to find the "list" of typical symptoms of clinical depression, and they may happen for a variety of reasons but they are not the fault of the person suffering from it.   You describe many of the symptoms, in my inexpert opinion, but also in my experience; "I've been unhappy with myself for quite a few years - I feel like such a failure - I don't feel like a man - I don't even have the self-love to take care of myself - I brought this situation onto myself (self-blaming, which in my humble opinion is neither true nor necessary - I recognize this one because "it takes one to know one" JJunalo and I do it all the time too) - AT TIMES I AM STRONG AND WILLING TO DO WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE IN ORDER TO GET MYSELF OUT OF THIS HOLE BUT A FEW MINUTES LATER I AM BACK TO BEING THIS WEAK PERSON."  If you took that last sentence, JJunalo, and substituted the word "depressed" for "weak" in my humble opinion the sentence would be more accurate and it is a good description of how I have felt many times when depressed.  I have spent half a day curled in a ball and the other half "doing what needs to be done."  I am going through just what you describe these days.  YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  That's the sort of thing depression does to you, that's a way in which the disease of depression exhibits itself, at least in my experience.

I've learned there are two "theories" of depression; one sort of biologically based and which can be ongoing or recurrent, and the other being "situational" depression; a life-situation which would be tough on anyone and would make any normal person feel depressed.  I certainly cannot say which might be the case for you but I can give you a good suggestion as to how to help with it, especially since you say "I have friends but I have no one to connect with regarding the adversities that I am going through right now."  It is VERY hard to feel alone with pain and adversity and in my opinion, makes it much more painful.  Please use this place to express some of it, it's a safe place to do so and you are not alone here; there are plenty of people here who have experienced the kind of pain you describe.  

But my biggest suggestion is to talk with a mental health professional and get some help.  I have, and do, do that.  Many of the folks around here have or do.  There is no shame AT ALL in asking for help.  And as a man, I can tell you that I too have problems asking for help - it is something that is staring me straight in the face in my life at the moment (ah, see; maybe you were sent here to help ME my friend), but I also have done it and I KNOW that asking for help does not mean you are not a man.  Quite the opposite I think.  It takes emotional courage to be vulnerable and ask for help.  We men are too often taught the opposite and so we wander suffering needlessly.  A good therapist or counselor can help you talk through some of these things, and some of the self-esteem issues and feelings of insecurity you've raised in your post (and I give you BIG credit as a MAN JJunalo for having the courage to say those things out loud!), exploring where they come from, how to be aware of them, and deal with them so that they don't continue to hinder your path in life.  I know therapy with a good therapist has been a huge help to me this past year and a half or so.  (I also do group therapy with a great group and a great therapist).  Also, seeing a psychiatrist may be greatly helpful.  They can prescribe medications that may help you through the worst of it so that you can cope with the everyday stuff, and allow you to deal with what's really underlying everything.  (You'll find a bit of a debate on these forums about medications and their use but I'm sort of in the middle; my feeling is they've helped myself and others, there are certainly things you want to be informed about with them, and you certainly want to have a good line of communication with your psych doctor about their effect on you - the main thing is, yes there is a debate, but you can make your own informed choices and decisions with the help of a good psych doc).

So JJunalo, what do you think of those suggestions?  Talking with a therapist or counselor.  Seeing a psychiatrist about the possibility of medication if that seems to be indicated and is your choice?  (And don't forget to keep coming around here and letting us be those friends you CAN connect with about this stuff going on in your life).        

One last thought JJunalo, I do think that there are certain actions and behaviors that help us with depression and help us with self-esteem.  In AA for instance, there is a phrase, "if you want to be (or feel) esteemed, do esteemable acts."  Also, with depression, little things, getting outside, getting sunlight, even the smallest of little "victories" can be hugely helpful.  Sometimes at the end of a "bad day" I have to remind myself, I did the best I could today and learn to be OK with just that; I don't have to be "the best" or someone else's idea of what it is to be a man or "successful."  Just the best I can for today.  Same for you my friend.  The best you can, one hour or day at a time.  But getting the right job, or relationship or whatever other "outside" person or thing does not, in my humble opinion, cure what may ail us inside; that's something we have to work at ourselves with the help of an empathetic and skilled person, a therapist or counselor.  That has been my experience.  If I feel insecure, a job doesn't "cure" it; working on the emotional issues is what gets at it.  Hope that makes sense.  

Jimmy has a great post or two if you look around (I think it is in the Psychotherapy and Counseling Forum but is also on the blog) about finding a good therapist.  It is great advice.  I once had a pretty bad experience with a therapist and used Jimmy's advice and found a great one who is VERY helpful to me.  I'd recommend finding it and giving it a read.

Glad you are here JJunalo, and I admire your courage and honesty.  It is the courage and honesty of a man. (tu)  Keep it coming!    And let us know what you think, or what you might be doing with any of these suggestions, and also, just how you are doing and feeling.

Again, JJunalo, welcome aboard and glad you're here.  You are welcome here and YOU BELONG HERE and YOU ARE NOT ALONE HERE !!

Take advantage of that my friend.  Just try to give back a little of yourself in the process.

Later JJunalo,

Annette

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Re: Depression & Anxiety - I am so sad...
« Reply #2 on: October 24, 2008, 06:06:39 AM »
I too struggle with depression and you don't have it because you are too "lazy" to deal with it    - you have no ability to deal with what is happning in your life because you have depression.    Depression is a disease and a lot of people love to say What do you have to be depressed about?  Those people don't get it.  At this moment I am just getting back on my feet from a very bad slide into depression.  I am aware of the symptoms and take medication for it and still when a med change caused me to fall I did not see it coming and suddenly I was wallowing in a large vat of depression where every day was darker and darker.

I think maybe you are trying to sweep all the "bad stuff" (smoking, eating wrong, not exercising) out of your life at once.  Maybe if you took small steps first - when I quit smoking I literally took it one day and sometimes one cigarette at a time.  I would get up in the morning and decide if I was going to smoke that day.  This may not work for everyone but it did for me - it made me realize that I still have choices.  And yes I fell off the no smoking wagon and then it became a decision to have each cigarette in a day.  Having one cigarette does not mean you need to continue to smoke for the rest of the day - choose not to have the next one.  It will get easier and another thing - the addiction of smoking is mostly psychological if you can get through a few days the physical addiction is over.So if you fall off the no smoking wagon really pay attention to the first couple of drags of the cigarette.  Psychologically it will feel great but it will taste terrible.  I have had one drag in 18 years and was able to say Why did I think I wanted this - it really does taste terrible!  I put it out after one drag but I swear to this day if I had taken a second drag I would probably still be smoking now!

If you have a local mental health clinic you may want to consider some therapy to help you find your self esteem.  Short term therapy can be very helpful in getting over the low points.  This site is incredibly helpful to vent and there are many caring individuals here.  Let us know how things are going for you.

Joanne

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Re: Depression & Anxiety - I am so sad...
« Reply #3 on: October 25, 2008, 01:49:14 PM »
Hey JJ!

Welcome to these here forums! You are a perfect fit. We're all on some sort of med or another around here, vitamins, herbs, whatever.

And I have to agree with Dini and Annette about you sounding depressed. What you describe is exactly what depression feels like.

Aside from doing what Dini suggested, going to see a good professional (maybe a psychiatrist and a psychotherapist to get you launched more quickly), maybe you can tell us more about your experience of being a Dad? You said you have 2 children.

What are their ages and do you have contact with them?

Dini

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Re: Depression & Anxiety - I am so sad...
« Reply #4 on: November 25, 2008, 06:43:02 PM »
JJ,

It's been a while.

How are you?  Would love it if you would drop back in and let us know how things are going for you, whether that is good, bad or indifferent.  The more you talk to us, the more we can support you.

Kinda concerned; you dropped in and disappeared.  Really would like to know how you are doing......(I know the feeling of "I am so sad" - sometimes for me, it helps just to talk about it.  maybe it would help you to talk about it with us).

Take care,

Lycas7x

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Re: Depression & Anxiety - I am so sad...
« Reply #5 on: April 27, 2009, 11:38:47 PM »
Part of growing spiritually is learning to both give and receive.   When you are willing to make an investment in your future you will get something in return.
I couldn't imagine seeing my child once every six months and lay around waiting for things to happen in my life.  I know that what we do here, Go online and air our laundry.  I only hope you took something away with you.   We all go thru the doldrums.

I don't know what a MAN is suppose to feel like, but I think we are suppose to let people walk all over us and pretend its not happening.  Join the club.

Woman have been expected to do that for centuries.  You do however have to live with ALL your decisions.  People can walk you thru them, but you have to stand for the duration.   We all have different degrees of tolerance and some of us have higher thresholds for pain.  Soon or later we we all go insane If we do something we know is crazy.  Mother, father, sister, brother  they were all there before WIFE.   Provide your child with stability and protect them from a mother who doesn't know what she wants out of life.   Why would you let her come back to you?  Is her boyfriend a good influence on your child?  what are you going to do with your future?  Live off her? Get some direction.  Move back in with your parents.  You need there emotional support anyway.

I think you already know the answers to the questions that you are asking.

Dini

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Re: Depression & Anxiety - I am so sad...
« Reply #6 on: July 05, 2009, 01:14:59 PM »
Wow, Lycas.  You make some very impressive remarks and insights here.  (tu)

"JJ" - Are you still with us?  How are you doing?

Kevin_Charless

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Re: Depression & Anxiety - I am so sad...
« Reply #7 on: February 11, 2010, 07:42:11 PM »
I too faced  and suffered a lot because of the same problem jjunalo. Really I was so depressed and I cant able to show interest on anything. That was really an bad experience for me Later I found a good relief for my Anxiety and depression problem through Hypnotherapy and its various techniques.  After trying hypnotherapy session I feel such a good relaxation and it increased my self confidence and self control. Now I able to live with a good interest and relaxation and I got a good control over stress and depression.

Roxy 1

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Re: Depression & Anxiety - I am so sad...
« Reply #8 on: February 24, 2010, 06:59:09 PM »
You know what's really funny is that your story sounds exactly like me, i live in Canada, bc, i've been struggling with all these issues for years and i also just recently lost my job, smoke a pack a day and have self esteem issues, i smoke and drink coffee, last year i ended an unfufilling relationship, and i work out compulsively, i feel like a mess even though people look at me different if they looked at me they wouldn't think  have chronic worry issues, feel like a failure and emotional eat like every third day, i found when i cut down to half a pack cut out dairy and worked out every day  felt better but i relapsed into my old ways because i in my mind give excuses for myself and say "oh i worked hard today", anyways get back to me i have alotta tme too i was just laid off a week ago, you spend 80 percent of your day at work , so when you loose your job you loose yourself and distract yourself , it's weird i was soo tired at work and i thought yah  get to catch up on my sleep, but now i find i am more dscouraged and tired of even living this way and it's only been one week, i hope you read this i feel alone right now, i have tones of friends, but all of them dont understand and ive secluded myself, anyways sorry to sound like such a downer emotional, but i found alot in common with you where r u from?

Kaleb

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Re: Depression & Anxiety - I am so sad...
« Reply #9 on: March 02, 2010, 08:49:13 PM »
I can't help but think maybe you guys are somewhat depressed.. Maybe even Seasonal Affective disorder in the winter? My wife gets that and it is quite serious and debilitating. It's just a thought, so disregard it if it doesn't fit..

Lycas7x

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Re: Depression & Anxiety - I am so sad...
« Reply #10 on: July 08, 2010, 07:36:44 PM »


   Just wanted to follow my own advice... not with similar circumstances...   Standing up for what I believe in.    I have a lot of good advice!!

Blue Planina

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Re: Depression & Anxiety - I am so sad...
« Reply #11 on: September 24, 2010, 10:36:21 AM »
Hi. If you want to see mental  professional will be okay. If you don't want here are some suggestions:
1. Practice meditation and relaxation for calming down your body and mind.
2. Make goals-short and long and act upon them.
3. Use positive suggestions when deppression comes again.
4. Watch funny movies.
5. Practice being in the present moment with all of your senses and say to yourself past is gone, future is unpredictible.
6. Enjoy your life . You are alive now.
Let I see your smile on your face, you can do it. Good Luck.

Lissa

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Re: Depression & Anxiety - I am so sad...
« Reply #12 on: November 26, 2010, 02:55:42 PM »
I was very much in the same boat as JJ during my college years and into my late 20's. I finally had enough courage to talk with my doctor about my depression and anxiety. My doctor prescribed me medicine that has a very positive effect on me. I still get depressed every once in a while and lazy but I'm able to bounce back from it. My advice is to always talk with your doctor and if you are under 18, talk with at least one of your parents.

jekkyblack

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Re: Depression & Anxiety - I am so sad...
« Reply #13 on: December 21, 2010, 09:36:48 AM »
Anxiety and depression often occur together and, until the latter part of the nineteenth century, anxiety disorders are not classified separately.When we are physically sick few of us are reluctant to seek treatment, but the case is very different if we become mentally ill. Most people find it very difficult to accept that they have a mental health problem.Depression is a mental disorder list, which includes altered mood, it may occur daily associated with diminished interest or pleasure in most or all activities.

scootpeter

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Re: Depression & Anxiety - I am so sad...
« Reply #14 on: January 04, 2011, 09:53:38 AM »
Depression is a mood that is characterized by a negative sense of inadequacy and lack of visual activity. It is a mental state in which the person making the experience feelings of sadness sad and slow mood.Stress and anxiety in children and adolescents are just as common as in adults. Stressed parents and neglect, high expectations in academic performance or other, abused or deprived of the small, growing tensions and demand for family responsibility are the main causes of stress in children and adolescents.