Most people who suffer a loss experience one or more of the following:

• Feel tightness in the throat or heaviness in the chest
• Feel thumping, erratic beats in the heart and are very aware of heart actions
• Have an empty feeling in their stomach and loss (or gain) of appetite
• Have pain and/or nausea in stomach
• Feel restless and look for activity, but have difficulty concentrating
• Feel in a trance, want to just sit and stare
• Feel as though the loss isn't real, that it didn't actually happen; (this may include trying to find the loved one)
• Feel light headed and dizzy often
• Sense the loved one's presence ( this may include expecting the person to walk in the door at the usual time, or hearing his/her voice, or seeing his/her face)
• Have headaches frequently
• Wander aimlessly, forget and don't finish things they've started to do around the house
• Have difficulty sleeping, and have dreams or visions of their loved one frequently
• Assume mannerisms or traits of the loved one
• Feel guilty or angry over things that happened or didn't happen in the relationship

These are all normal grief responses.

You may also experience:

• Disbelief:
  You expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can't be true. You can't cry, because you don't believe it.

• Shock:
  Nature softens the blow, temporarily. You are numb and dazed. Your emotions are frozen. You go through the motions, like a robot.

• Crying:
  Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as loud sobbing and crying. Give yourself time for tears. They can help.

• Physical Symptoms:
  You may sleep or eat too little or too much. You may have physical aches, pains, numbness, or weakness. Check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Usually the symptoms fade gradually.

• Denial:
  You know the fact of death but you forget. You expect your loved one to telephone or walk in the door. You search for him/her.

• Why:
  "Why did he/she have to die?" You don't expect an answer, but you need to ask repeatedly. The question itself is a cry of pain.

• Repeating:
  Over and over again, you tell the same story, think the same thoughts. Repeating helps you to absorb the painful reality.

• Self-Control:
  You control your emotions to fulfill your responsibilities or to rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to your grieving, but constant rigid self-control can block healing.

• Reality:
  "It really happened." You feel you're getting worse. Actually, reality has just hit, and support from friends and family may be diminishing.

• Confusion:
  You can't think. You forget in mid-sentence. You are disorganized and impatient.

• Idealizing:
  You remember only good traits, as if your loved one was perfect. You find it hard to accept the not-so-perfect living. Your loved one's idiosyncrasies or imperfect traits become endearing reminders of their realness, humanness.

• Identifying:
  Wanting to stay close, you copy your loved one's style of dress, hobbies, interests, or habits. You may carry a special object of his or hers.

• Envy:
  You envy others. Their pleasure in their loved ones makes you feel keenly what you have lost. They don't deserve their good fortune.

• Frustration:
  Your past fulfillment's are gone. You haven't found new ones yet. You feel you're not coping with grief "right."

• Bitterness:
  Temporary feelings of resentment and hatred, especially toward those in some way responsible for your loss, are natural. But, habitual bitterness can drain energy and block healing.

• Waiting:
  The struggle is over, but your zest has not returned. You are in limbo, exhausted, uncertain. Life seems flat.

• Hope:
  You believe you will get better. The good days out balance the bad. Sometimes you can work effectively, enjoy activities, and really care for others.

• Missing:
  You never stop missing your loved one. Particular days, places, and activities can bring back the pain as intensely as ever.

• Commitment:
  You know you have a choice. Life won't be the same, but you decide to actively begin building a new life for yourself.

• Seeking:
  You take initiative, renewing your involvement with former friends and activities, and exploring new involvements.

• Hanging On:
  Some days you hang on to the grief, which is familiar. Letting go is more a final good-bye to your loved one. You let go gradually.

• Peace:
  You can reminisce about your loved one with a sense of peace. You feel able to accept the death and face your own future.

• Life Opens Up:
  Life has value and meaning again. You can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. You are willing to let the rest of your life be all it can be.

4/15/98