Although the internet may be one way adolescents attempt to establish themselves as separate, unique individuals who have a social world of their own, that doesn't mean parents shouldn't be involved. Exactly the opposite is true. As is true of all adolescent activities, they need at least SOME supervision to stay on track and avoid trouble. Some parents fall into the trap of a benign neglect. "My kids have to learn about computers. They have to keep up with the other kids. If they're sitting there typing away, it must be a good thing... so I'll just leave them alone."

But getting involved doesn't just mean supervising in order to avert trouble. The computer and cyberspace also can become an excellent way for parents and adolescents to have fun together, to get to know each other better. There will be a part of the adolescent -- maybe even a part that they try to hide -- that will love this.

Get knowledgeable and join in: To be most effective in supervising the adolescent's cyberspace activities, the parent needs to know something about the topic. You don't have to become a hacker yourself, but read up on the topic. Discuss it with other parents. Better yet, explore cyberspace yourself. Better still, talk to your kids about cyberspace and join them in some of their online activities. Cruise web sites together. Use a search engine to find people with your same last name. Build a web page for your family. Even hang out with your child and their friends in a chat room (for a short period of time, if they can tolerate your presence!). There are numerous possibilities.

Talk to them: The old warning "Do you know where your children are?" applies to cyberspace as well as to the real world. Ask them about their internet use. What web sites are they visiting? To avoid an accusatory tone, ask them what web sites they LIKE and why. Sit down with them at the computer and let them take you to their internet hangouts. Be curious, in a parental but congenial sort of way. Ask them about their cyberfriends, what they talk about, what they do on the internet. Avoid interrogation. Instead, show them that you are interested in knowing more about their cyberfriends.

Acknowledge the good and the bad: Don't vilify cyberspace -- that will only alienate the adolescent. Talk about both the pros and cons. Show an acceptance of their cyberlife, but discuss some of the dangers and what steps they should take if they encounter unsavory situations or people.

Make the computer visible: Privacy is a tricky balancing act with the adolescent. They want and need some, but the parent must weigh that demand against the necessity of supervising their activities. Generally speaking, it's probably a good idea to avoid placing the modem-equipped computer in the adolescent's bedroom. Put it in a family area. That makes supervision a lot easier, and it also encourages computering as a family activity. At the very least, avoid the scenario where the adolescent explores cyberspace in his/her bedroom with the door closed. Keep the door open, with the screen visible from the hallway. Stop in every once in a while to inquire about what's happening in this intriguing little world of theirs. If they suddenly quit the program as you walk in, you know something is up. It may not be anything serious, but it's worth talking about.

Set reasonable rules: Parents don't let their kids stay out all night, watch any movie they want, or drive anywhere they want. Adolescents need rules. In fact, believe it or not, they secretly WANT rules so they don't feel out of control and unprotected by a seemingly uncaring parent. Set limits on when (e.g., after homework) and how much time they can spend socializing and entertaining themselves in cyberspace. Create rules about what exactly they can and can't do on the internet.

Encourage a balance: Cyberspace is great, but there's more to life than that. Encourage the adolescent to stay involved in "real world" activities too. If there's something they really enjoy on the internet, find a way to expand that activity into their in-person life. Use the internet for school projects. Talk on the phone or do something together in-person with your good (trustworthy) cyberfriends. If they enjoy role-playing in MUDs, encourage them to get involved in theater. The goal is to avoid letting the adolescent isolate cyberspace from the rest of their life. Instead, INTEGRATE cyberspace into the rest of their life, and encourage them to develop non-internet activities too.

Software controls: There are a variety of commercial programs that can be used to monitor and control the adolescents activities in cyberspace (see "other sites" at the end of this article). These programs can keep a record of web sites they visit, block access to particular web sites or programs, prevent files from being downloaded, and set limits on when and for how much time the internet is being used. Of course, if parents wants to install such programs they have to be fairly knowledgeable about computers. The programs aren't perfect either. There are loopholes, and a technically sophisticated adolescent will be able to defeat them. Probably the last thing a parent wants is an ongoing technical battle of wits with their child. If that happens, something has gone awry. Software controls are a TOOL in the supervision of the adolescent. They are not a substitute for talking and being more personally involved. In other words, they are not a substitute for a RELATIONSHIP.

Intervening with addiction: In her book, Dr. Kimberly Young describes some strategies for parents who need to help their children who have fallen into excessive internet use. Don't try to take the computer away or ban them from using it. This strategy can backfire. Show your caring for the teenager's predicament. Assign an internet time log. Don't enable adolescents by making excuses for them when they miss school or their grades start falling. Tolerate their emotional outbursts when you try to intervene. If all else fails, seek the help of a professional counselor -- ideally, someone who knows something about the internet.

Discipline misbehavior/encourage humaneness: Most parents apply punishment when a child misbehaves in the real world. The same should be true of their cyberspace misconduct. If a parent discovers that an adolescent is harassing others online or attempting to hack online systems (a phone call from the administrators of the system or online community can be an eye-opener!), discipline is in order. Parents should try not to fall into the attitude of "Oh, it's just a cyberspace game. It doesn't really matter." It does matter. It's not a good idea to let adolescents treat other people online as if they are not really people. If an adolescent can apply compassion for others even in the anonymous world of cyberspace, they can apply it anywhere in life.

09/05/98

John Suler, PhD, is Professor of Psychology at Rider University and a practicing clinical psychologist. He has published on psychotherapy, mental imagery, and eastern philosophy. He currently maintains several web sites.