DEALING with TEENAGERS

by Marty Eerhart, M.S.

Do you remember the last time you had some peace and quiet for yourself? No kids asking you all those questions: "Can I have this?" or "Can you do that?" And then when you finally had all the peace for yourself, your first reaction was . . . missing your kids.

Young kids play an extremely important role in our lives. As parents, we provide them with rules and expectations as guidelines to grow up with. We like to see them become well equipped people, who can stand up straight in this wild world. We expect compliance when they are still young. But that compliance goes quickly out the window, once they grow up. By the time they reach their teenage years, they have the innate ability to drive you nuts in no time at all, by defying all the rules.

At work, we might be able to face the toughest situations, deal with the worst clients, or make the best decisions under stress. But, what is your first line of defense at home? How do you successfully cope with these young "know-it-all's?"

Some time ago, a support group for parents was sitting together, and a most interesting strategy came up. In fact, several parents with teenagers used it most effectively. They no longer were the mother or father who expected compliance. Instead, they were able to teach their kids and them self new skills. They became JUDO NEGOTIATORS.

In the martial art of Judo, you don't attack your opponent. Instead you use the energy that comes your way, and turn it around to throw the other off balance and gain control.

(Familiar) Scenario:
Son: I want to go to this party.
Mom: Ok, but you must be home by 2 am.
Son: OK Mom, thank you.
--- Later that night, your son arrives home at 5 am ---

We feel cheated. He promised to be home on time. In your anger, you promise yourself that he cannot go out next time.

But wait. Maybe there is an easier approach:

Son: I want to go to this party.
Mom: Ok son, if I say it's OK, what can you do in return for me?

Doesn't that sound incredibly simple? "If I do that for you, what will you do for me?" We use this strategy all the time in business dealings. But we seem to have a mental separation between work and home.

The parent meeting offered one more suggestion.

Let's say that your son asks to go to a concert, and offers to clean his room in return. You feel that there is no balance in this deal.

Your reply is:
"I'm sure you can do better than that."
or, "You can only clean your room for an important concert?" (sounding very surprised)

By utilizing these strategies, you hold your teenager responsible for their own actions. They learn to take responsibility before they ask for all these favors. And on the other hand, as parents we don't let go of the control.

So next time, when you son or daughter asks for a favor, ask him/her for one in return, instead of trying to create new rules.

5/29/98

Marty Eerhart works in Massachusetts with families and children with severe behavior problems. He gives presentations on television and radio and is the author of the book "12 Ways to Make Parenthood Easier."