So you love an addict, huh? Welcome to the crowd . . . so do millions of other people. The specific addiction doesn't matter. It may be alcohol, food, work, exercise, religion, cigarettes, heroin or a host of other quick fixes -- the effects are just as destructive to the addict and those who love him/her. While we can't control another person's addiction or behavior, we can control our reactions to their behavior and our own part in keeping the cycle of addiction alive.

If you are one of us, the toughest thing you will come to realize about yourself may be that many of your strengths of character can be devastating when used in excess or for the wrong reasons. Indeed I was shocked and appalled to find out that my best traits -- those that made me a good,caring and compassionate person -- could also be my greatest weaknesses.

For example, my ability to accept others regardless of their behavior is an admirable trait. The exception to this is when I allow other people to take advantage of me or continue to do things that are hurtful to me and/or them without any consequences. At that point, my acceptance of inappropriate behavior allows them to continue to act in a way that is damaging our relationship, keeps me in emotional pain and is probably fueling their guilt, which can lead to continued or increased use of their addictive behavior.

How do we get this way? As I was growing up I had a lot of practice for my future job of social worker and therapist. My dad (who is now deceased) was an alcoholic, as is my only brother. My mom is a classic codependent and enabler. She is a kind and loving person who always tries to do what she thinks is best for everyone. Those are hardly character flaws when applied to some situations and people, but in an alcoholic family it can be a problem. Since my dad was a "country club" drinker we always thought it was socially acceptable and not a problem. We hardly ever saw him drunk, but that was because he wouldn't come home until we were in bed. My mom waited up for him to make sure he got home safely for over eighteen years. When my brother and I started using alcohol and drugs as young teens we were pretty good at hiding it, so she didn't have to worry about us. We hardly ever got into trouble for our misbehavior -- if we did our parents got us out of it. My sisters and I managed to escape years of recreational drug use without becoming addicted, but we all have problems with money and food and seem to attract emotionally unavailable men.

The main problem with our home and family was the lack of rules, structure and discipline. My dad was an only child, so he always had the best of everything and did anything he wanted. My mom had it very hard growing up because her dad died when she was only eight years old. It probably won't surprise you to know that he was an alcoholic, as is her only brother. She and her sisters had to work and contribute to the household income from the time they were old enough to earn money by babysitting. She was determined that her kids would not grow up like that, and we didn't.

We had the best of everything and could have anything we wanted if we asked, unless it required that Dad spend time with us. The maid handled things at home, which meant no responsibilities for us or our parents. Sounds nice, huh? NOT! I thought that at the time, but when the divorce finally came and the money supply ended and the maid was no more, I realized just how bad it was. I was eighteen years old with no sense of responsibility, no skills and no clue...and I was mad! I got over it several years later, but many of my struggles to date are a result of the difficulty I have moderating mybehavior. Old habits die hard.

All of us have problems managing money, living within our means and setting limits for ourselves without becoming too rigid, which can lead to a cycle of deprivation that spirals into a splurge with money, food or something else and the cycle continues.

As a teenager and young adult, I managed to put myself in the caretaker role for my brother and all of our delinquent friends. I made sure everyone got home safely by chauffeuring them around, advised everyone on their family and interpersonal problems, brought home all the kids that ran away and helped them talk their way out of trouble when they got caught drinking or drugging. Although I was borderline delinquent myself, I was more responsible than the people I chose to run around with. It seemed that I got a lot of attention and positive reinforcement for being the one person people could trust to "be there for them." Even as an adult and a newbie in the helping profession many years ago, I found myself rescuing people who were screwing up their lives. That is when I learned that helping people can cause them more harm than good, and that I needed to learn how to get my emotional needs met without making others dependent on me.

If I had not gotten help with my own co-dependence, I would probably still be doing that. It was not until I joined Al-Anon and started working the Twelve Steps that I realized how damaging it was to others to have me as a crutch. Likewise, it is damaging to me to focus my energy on others, instead of myself. It was through lots of soul-searching and hard work that I came to realize how destructive my behavior actually was. I am still very aware of my tendency to help too much -- it keeps me on my toes. I must warn you, however, that people who are used to "the old you" may not like it very much when you set limits. When I first began trying to set limits I was not very good at it. Actually, I was mean. The more I practiced saying no and taking care of myself, the better I became at setting limits. I have come to understand that is usually the case with any new skills we learn, whether they are interpersonal skills or technical skills.

There seems to be little middle ground for those who grow up in an alcoholic or otherwise "dysfunctional" home. Boundaries are either nonexistent or inflexible. Everything has to be in black or white, or total chaos. This column is the place where we are going to learn more about the consequences of our behavior, how to change those behaviors that are hurting instead of helping and how to break the cycle so we don't create another generation of addicts and co-dependents. Recognizing that we are a part of the problem is the first step toward resolving it.

So what about you? What are you doing to "help" those you love? Giving them all the things you never had? Providing them with everything money can buy (which does not include your time and attention)? Protecting them from the consequences of their actions? Keeping them dependent on you for emotional and/or other support? Accepting unacceptable behavior? Making threats or promises on which you don't follow through? Saving them from themselves? Ignoring harmful behavior? This is the time to be honest and open about your feelings, fears and dreams. We can listen, support and encourage each other without judgment by sharing our experience, strength and hope . . . but giving no advice. Each of us has something to offer, but we can't tell others how to handle their situations or problems. Those decisions have to be made based on each individual's personal circumstances.

5/28/98