People have a great deal of difficulty understanding how family fights and ruptures can occur. I want to give you some basic understanding of some of the trauma you may have experienced with your families of origin. These can also occur in adulthood with your aging parents, your children, or any other relationship where THE TIES THAT BIND CAN ALSO BE THE TIES THAT STRANGLE, CHOKE, SUFFOCATE AND PUNISH. There are basically two categories of crimes and sins which your families may resent you for. These are:

1. separation
2. individuation

Separation and individuation are normal and healthy phases of infancy. They are psychological processes which are begun in the first year of life and are reworked throughout childhood, adolescence and adulthood. Separation relates to personal autonomy, independence, self assertion, and freedom of choice. It is characterized in early childhood by the use of the word "NO." When a 2 year old says "NO" to his or her mother, he or she is exercising his inborn strivings to separate from the mother.

Individuation relates to identity, uniqueness, having your own interests, points of view, likes and dislikes. It is characterized in early childhood by the words "ME" and "MINE." It is also an inborn striving for children, and like separation, can either be aided and fostered by parents, or thwarted and considered BAD by parents.

Dysfunctional families need to punish both these struggles in their children. Often those who choose to separate and individuate are seen as traitors to the family. Health, growth, progress, sobriety can all be seen in these families as moving too far away from the family. Individuation, that is having your own identity and point of view, is also seen by these families as criminal and rejecting of them. I have often seen shocking rejection of people who have become successful, psychologically evolved, healthy and sober by their families of origin. They are treated as rejecting and abandoning by families who have a hard time with separation, or they are treated as if they are devaluing and degrading of those families by families who have greater difficulty with individuation.

References:

Erikson, Erik H., Childhood and Society New York: W.W.Norton, 1963. Kernberg, Otto F. Borderline Conditions and Pathological Narcissism New York: Jason Aronson, 1975.

08/16/00

Mark Sichel is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker practicing psychotherapy in New York City since 1980. Mark lives in Manhattan with his wife Cindy Kasovitz Sichel, who is also a psychotherapist. He is the father of four children.