1. ZIP IT

   Learn to think before you speak. Bite your tongue before that provocative remark comes out of your mouth and gets you embroiled in a huge fight.

2. CLEAN YOUR SPLEEN

   Write a really hateful, nasty letter to your family, telling them all your resentments and rages. Drop the letter into your personal "dead letter box"; and move on with a smile on your face :)

3. LISTEN. DON'T DISPUTE

   Hey, words are only words. Does your Mom need to go on a diatribe every once in a while about all the horrible things you did to her in your life? How when you were 19 you didn't show up at a family dinner, and how you never call her, never visit her, and even send her a card when she is feeling down. Well, you can listen to it and simply say, "I'm sorry you feel that way." That cuts it right out, whereas an argument and tit for tat "discussion" only fans the flames of the fire and creates a need for you to spend a week in the "burn center."

4. GOOD FENCES MAKE FOR GOOD RELATIONSHIPS

   Create boundaries, set limits. You know how much contact you can take and how much will ignite your internal nuclear bomb.

5. REMEMBER OCCASIONS & EVENTS

   It costs merely 33cents postage by snail mail, zip if your family's on email, to remember birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, Chanukah and Kwanza. Whatever the occasion, a card makes people feel remembered, and when people feel remembered, they feel loved and hence, another feud is avoided.

6. THOU SHALT NOT OVERREACT, EVER

   When family members feel neglected, they often will present a scenario that invites your overreaction. Overreactions cause all-out wars. Don't do it!

7. GIVE IN

   If you want to win the war (in our case, avoid the war all together), sometimes it's strategically advantageous to lose the battle. Assess a family situation carefully, strategize, and assess your gains and loses in any given situation. For example, if your aging mom needs a weekly phone call to avoid starting a fight with you, give it to her. Practice artful dodging if necessary, call when you know she won't be there and leave a message telling her you love her and miss her. After all, it's only words.

8. LET BREVITY AND PAUCITY BE YOUR MOTTO

   In volatile families, keeping contact limited and utilizing a cordial and polite silence to avoid fights, can often extinguish the flames that are being directed your way. Again, artful dodging is a useful tool -- your Dad calls and you can tell he's looking for trouble: "Got to go Dad, the Pastor's at the door for his annual visit. Speak to you later!"

9. WHAT YOU SEE IS WHAT YOU GET

   Do not ever try to change your relatives. Remember -- people can change themselves but can never change another. Accept your family for who they are, whether you like them or not: trying to change another causes battles, poor self-esteem (because you're trying to do something that can't be done and are doomed to failure), and depression.

10. STAY IN THE DRIVER'S SEAT

    Take control of potentially volatile family situations and take charge of managing them. For example, if you come from an alcoholic family and you know that going out to dinner means that cocktail hour is the main course and family feud is dessert. Plan on breakfast meetings where drinking won't occur.

References:

Blanck, Rubin and Gertrude Blanck. 1968 Marriage and Personal Development New York: Columbia University Press.

Menninger, Karl. 1958. Theory of Psychoanalytic Technique New York: Basic Books

08/16/00

Mark Sichel is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker practicing psychotherapy in New York City since 1980. Mark lives in Manhattan with his wife Cindy Kasovitz Sichel, who is also a psychotherapist. He is the father of four children.