I like to tell the story that my little brother told me about a young newlywed couple. Perhaps you have it heard it before but it serves to make a point. Anyway, the husband was watching his new wife cook and he was baffled as to what she was doing. He said to her, "Why do you cut the ends of the ham off before you cook it?" She looked surprised but thoughtful and replied: "Why, I don't know. Oh yes, it is because my mother did it."

When there was an opportunity to ask his mother-in-law, he said; "Why do you cut the ends of the ham off when you bake it?" She had a similar look on her face but after thinking for a few minutes said; "It's because my mother did."

Time passed, there was a family reunion when grandmother was present. He was dying of curiosity and went up to her to ask that same question that had perplexed him so. "When you bake a ham, why do you cut the ends of the ham off?" She answered, confidently, "Because the pan is too small."

Like this tradition that got passed down, the way we do things or don't do them may come from patterns from our families. And just as in this example, there are at times deeper reasons why we do what we do. The origins can be just as obscure as the example above. We tend to believe in our own ability to determine ourselves and yet we have hidden pushes and pulls that both fuel us in direction that sabotage our best intended efforts as well as propel us to achievements that surprise us.

In my practice, those of you have come in for your first session or two have seen me illustrate your family history in a way similar to a family tree that genealogists use, with circles for females and squares for males, lines drawn from person to person in particular ways. Marriages, divorces, deaths are noted. The genogram is a technique that is used early in therapy and can reveal an enormous amount of data. I will frequently ask about occupations, sibling positions and roles of family members. I will ask questions such as; who was your confidant, the favorite, who lives with who. What words describe each of your parents when you were growing up. This later question frequently gives significant clues to conflicts in relationships with your mate. Who has/had a problem with chemical dependency, depression, etc. How did your parents get along with their parents, with the in-laws and so on?

Do a little exploration on your own and if you have a little knowledge about how to set up a family tree, use colored pencils to label certain questions and see what you can discover about you and your family.

If you wish more information about having a Genogram done, contact me by calling (619) 295-8595.

05/03/99

Connie Saindon, M.A., MFT, has been a Licensed Marital and Family Therapist since 1979. In addition to providing services for Individuals, couples and families, Ms. Saindon is among the few specialists in the field of violent death bereavement. Founder the Survivors of Violent Death Program and volunteer faculty at the University of California Medical School Department of Psychiatry, she is author of The Journey, Violent Death Bereavement: Adult Survivors Workbook and contributing author of Violent Death: Resilience and Intervention beyond the Crisis. To reach her, please see this page.