Communication involves almost every aspect of our interactions with others; for this reason, communication and relationships are inseparably connected. You can't have a relationship with someone without communicating with them.

Communication involves how we express our thoughts, ideas, and feelings to others, including what we say and how we say it. But when we communicate with others, we also communicate attitudes, values, priorities, and beliefs. No matter what we actually say to other people in words, we also send messages about what we think of them, what we think of ourselves, and whether or not we're being sincere and genuine in what we say. Our non-verbal communication -- those things we don't say with words, but with our gestures, our facial expressions, and our attitude -- speak volumes.

Two Way Traffic

What we say and do, and how we say and do it, directly shapes how people experience us. In fact, many times, the opinions people form about us are based on the way we communicate. It also directly influences how they communicate in return. In other words, communication is a two way street.

Communication in the Real World

Communication can be clear or vague, open or guarded, honest or dishonest -- it can even be spoken or non-spoken -- but there is no such thing as "non" communication. In fact, virtually everything we do in the company of others communicates something. Our body language, facial expressions, tone of voice, and level of interest (or disinterest) communicate something to the perceptive observer.

Because our ideas and interests are transmitted to other people through the way we communicate, we're more apt to get our needs met if we are effective communicators. The problem is that often we think we're communicating one thing but are actually communicating something quite different, or we're communicating so poorly that no -- one quite understands what is we're trying to say.

Ineffective Communication

Ineffective communication is characterized by one or more the following elements:

	Indirect (doesn't get to the point, never clearly states purpose or intention)
	Passive (timid and reserved)
	Antagonistic (angry, aggressive, or hostile tone)
	Cryptic (underlying message or purpose is obscured and requires interpretation)
	Hidden (true agenda is never stated directly)
	Non-verbal (meaning is communicated through body language and behaviors, not words)
	One way (more talk than listening)
	Unresponsive (little interest in the perspective or needs of the other person)
	Off base (responses and needs of the other person are misunderstood and misinterpreted)
	Dishonest (dishonest statements are substituted for true feelings, thoughts, and needs)

Effective Communication

On the other hand, effective communication is:

	Direct (to-the-point, leaving no doubt as to meaning or purpose)
	Assertive (not afraid to state what is wanted or why)
	Congenial (affable and friendly)
	Clear (underlying issues are clear)
	Open (no intentionally hidden messages or meaning)
	Verbal (words are used to clearly express ideas)
	Two way (equal amounts of talking and listening)
	Responsive (attention paid to the needs and perspective of the other person)
	On Track (correctly interprets responses and need of the other person)
	Honest (true feelings, thoughts, and needs are stated)

Communication in Important Relationships

Effective communication is essential in day-to-day life, and especially so in important relationships.

	Put a premium on openness. Find ways to be honest, express your feelings, and share ideas.
	Share your problems. Sharing the good times and the bad times is important in relationships, and serves to deepen and strengthen relationships and communication within them.
	Share your daily life. Share those things in your life that are mildly interesting, funny, sad, or affect you in some way. Find a way to connect with others, sharing your life with them and allowing them to share their lives with you.
	Avoid verbally bruising other people. Refrain from insults, put-downs, and expressions of disgust, and avoid generalizations which are not only stereotypes, but often hurt.
	Boost self-esteem, don't crush it. When it comes to relationship building, naming someone's deficiencies or failures is rarely as effective as praise. Focus on each other's positive traits. Find something good to say, catch each other doing something right, and help build self confidence and self esteem.
	Avoid controlling. Whenever one person seeks to always be right, always be the agenda-setter, and always be the virtuous one, he or she may feel like a winner - but it's the relationship that loses.

Effective Communication and Healthy Relationships

Where there are many factors involved in healthy relationships, the ability to communicate effectively is one important route to mutual satisfaction within any relationship. And once again, there are two ways to communicate with others: effectively and ineffectively.

"I like hearing myself talk. It is one of my greatest pleasures. I often have long conversations with myself, and I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying." - Oscar Wilde

References:

Egan, G. (1977). "You and Me: The skills of communing and relating to others." Belmont, CA: Wadsworth Publishing

Hathaway, P. (1998.) "Giving and Receiving Feedback: Building Constructive Communication." Menlo Park, CA: Crisp Publications.

Jude-York, D., & Wise, S. (1997). "Multipoint Feedback: A 360 Degrees Catalyst for Change." Menlo Park, CA: Crisp Publications.

Long, V. (1996). "Communication Skills in Helping Relationships: A Framework for Facilitating Personal Growth." Pacific Grove, CA: Brooks/Cole.

Maurer, R. (1994). "Feedback Toolkit: 16 Tools for Better Communication in the Workplace." Portland, OR: Productivity Press.

Rich, P., & Copans, S. A. (1998) "The Healing Journey for Couples: Your Journal of Mutual Discovery." New York: john Wiley & Sons.

Rubin, I. M.., & Campbell, T. J. (1997) The ABCs of Effective Feedback. San Franciso, CA: Jossey-Bass.

1/11/99

Phil Rich, EdD, MSW, DCSW is the author of "Understanding, Assessing, and Rehabilitating Juvenile Sexual Offenders," the eight books in "The Healing Journey" series of self help journaling books, and two books in the "Therapy Homework Planner," series, all of which are published by John Wiley & Sons. He is the Clinical Director of the Stetson School, a long-term residential treatment program for sexually reactive children and juvenile sexual offenders.