When life was more predictable and structured, it seemed that family events -- markers in the life cycle -- brought families together. In our times of choice and rampant dysfunction, it seems that life cycle events often trigger devastating disappointment and shattering of family relationships. Family divorce comes as a surprise and can occupy your every waking thought. The major refrain when a family divorce first happens is "I just can't believe this is going on. It doesn't feel real to me. Other people get into situations like this, not me. I've always been the good girl, done the right thing. I just can't believe this is really happening."

Janet, a 24 year old junior associate in her father's law firm, began dating Cal, another of the firm's young associates. They quickly fell in love and began a very serious relationship. Janet spent increasing amounts of time at Cal's house and she and Cal became increasingly convinced that they wanted to marry. When her father became aware of the seriousness of their relationship, he stopped speaking to Cal and became increasingly distant from Janet. When Cal talked to Janet's Dad about their relationship and their plans of marriage, he was shocked to hear that Nick, Janet's father, would not support their marriage or attend their wedding. Janet became frozen in a state of disbelief. She had always imagined her Dad escorting her down the aisle and being an integral part of her wedding. She could not believe he was taking this stand. She proceeded with her wedding plans but walked through the experience in a frozen state of shock. She felt helpless, hopeless, disoriented and numb.

Others may also experience poor appetite or overeating, insomnia or hypersomnia, low energy or fatigue, low self esteem, difficulty concentrating, hopeless feelings, derealization (feelings of unreality), restlessness and irritability. As individuals reorganize and regroup following the initial shattering rupture in the family, a second stage of behaviors, reactions, and feelings begins to emerge. For some people, this second stage can begin weeks after the shattering experience; for others it can take months. This stage is characterized by strong emotional reactions and an abatement of the psychological symptoms present in the first stage.

Flora and Al are a couple who have been married thirty years and have a grown daughter named Camille who recently eloped with her boyfriend of many years. Camille did this because her parents were unsupportive of the marriage. They felt her new husband was too different religiously and ethnically and would not be able to properly support their daughter. Flora was tremendously sad over her daughter's eloping yet wanted to make peace, but her husband, Al, was enraged by Camille's defiance of his wishes. Flora felt caught between a rock and a hard place; her husband was unwilling to accept Camille's marriage and unwilling to see or speak with their daughter and son-in-law. She felt destroyed by the fact that the two people she loved most in the world were unable to be in the same room together. She alternated between a state of profound sadness and flying into rages with her husband and her daughter.

Fantasies are very common during this period of time. Revenge fantasies are prevalent and are about something happening to the person who is felt to have caused the family rupture. Another common fantasy is of a magical reconciliation whereby the person who initiated the divorce will all of sudden "come to their senses," apologize and request reconciliation. Periods of rage and sadness alternate with fantasies of reconciliation and reunion.

These feelings and reactions are universal to those who have been through a family divorce. Accusations, indignation and rage can make way for more peaceful communication. Resentments can be allowed to recede and new ground rules of behavior initiated. Common sense skills can be learned to help sidestep potentially dangerous topics. Reversing a divorce is not easy but it is possible through persistence and struggle.

References:

Masterson, James. Psychotherapy of the Borderline Adult. New York: Brunner/Mazel, 1976.

Winnicott, D.W. The Child and the Family New York: Basic Books, 1949.

Mark Sichel is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker practicing psychotherapy in New York City since 1980. Mark lives in Manhattan with his wife Cindy Kasovitz Sichel, who is also a psychotherapist. He is the father of four children.

08/16/00