One in four females and one in seven males have been abused by the time they are adults. This has been going on in all cultures since time began. Information and awareness can change our society's patterns of violence. Being abused as a child makes a woman more vulnerable to abuse as an adult. One study in California found that the average number of assaults for females in a Rape Crisis Program was 20.

You're Not Alone

People who have been abused or assaulted may feel that they're the only one that this has ever happened to. When they finally take the chance to talk to others they find that they can help others and themselves by talking and listening. Silence is the survivor?s enemy and the abuser's friend.

It's Not Your Fault

A survivor often concludes that what is happening to her is somehow "her fault." If I had not been out walking after dark, this wouldn't have happened to me. If I was a better girl, Daddy would love me and not do this to me.

Abuse by another is never your fault. The other person is responsible for his/her behavior and you are responsible (if you are an adult) for your own safety and healing. You can let the abuse destroy your life (and it has destroyed many lives), or you can vow to use it to lead you in a positive direction. Abuse can be the fire that tempers the steel and makes you strong.

Learning About Trust

Learn who is trustworthy and who isn't. Sometimes it is very hard for survivors to tell the difference between those who will hurt them and those who will not. Abusers count on that. People who have been abused, put up walls around themselves to keep emotion in and hurt out. You can learn to put windows and doors in your wall, but first, learn who you can safely
trust and who you can't. You can't trust your abuser not to hurt you. He plays that role in your life and isn't likely to change unless he loses his family, job, or freedom. Then, he may hurt badly enough to want to change.

Recognizing Your Survivor Strengths

Survivors have many strengths like endurance, an ability to read people, a "sixth sense," spirituality, and compassion. Abused children learn to be very sensitive to the environment and those around them as a means of self protection. They also can gain maturity and strength of character as a survival skill. Some enter professional caretaking careers. Using the strengths gained through years of unhappiness can be very powerful. What we learn from abuse is that we can survive anything.

Learning to overcome the problems caused by abuse through education and therapy can help a person become more mature and compassionate toward others. Balance is the key. One can learn to balance gentleness and assertiveness, trust and carefulness, self-esteem and respect for others, anger and quiet. The glass is not just half full or half empty, it is both. Learn to look at the other side of everything you do. Look at every problem as potential to find a strength.

Here's an exercise to try. Learn to relax deeply while you visualize a positive and happy future where all your problems are solved. Imagine all the details of that picture. See all your strengths and skills that have helped you create a good life for yourself. On paper, set some realistic short-term and long term goals. Make a plan to meet your goals. Let the visualization guide you. Change your plan as needed.

Growth -- Learning to Feel All Your Emotions

Emotions like anger, conflict, confrontation can be very difficult for survivors to manage. Those in abuse situations often learn to suppress feelings, because abuse generates such powerful feelings and because expressing their feelings may not be safe. All of our emotions are
important and it takes great energy to suppress how we feel so that others cannot see it. We can try to do it with depression, avoidance, alcohol, drugs, food, and sex; there are many ways. Once you are safe to express yourself, it may take a lot of work to get out of the habit of squashing emotions, thoughts, and desires. However, learning to do this is very important for your well-being.

"Let Go And Let God"

You are not in charge of running the world, no matter how much you would like to do that. It may feel safer if you are in charge of running things, but it will take a lot of energy to keep it up. Give up some control of the outside world and look inside yourself. Let go of things over which
you have no control, such as the behavior of others. Concentrate on what you need to do for yourself and your children. You are a worthwhile and precious person. You deserve to be safe and happy and so do your children. Learn to balance what you do for others and what you do for yourself. But, under all circumstances, keep yourself safe.

The Only One You Cab Change Is Sitting In Your Chair

You are responsible for your healing. Read about abuse, talk to others, get therapy, whatever it takes to move beyond victim to survivor. It's a lot of hard work to examine who you are and who you want to be. Those who have been abused often don't think very well of themselves, but they can learn to love themselves. Love yourself first, the rest will come as you  educate yourself and learn to share your experiences and feelings with a trusted person.

1/11/99