SelfhelpMagazine

by Richard Raubolt, Ph.D.

Everybody loved Jack. What was not to love? He was handsome with a blazing smile, hard working, generous with his time, kind and his ethics were strong. Kindness of the gentle sort is not always easy to find in a man even a highly moral one. Jack was kind to everyone but himself.

Although quiet about his self hatred and shame, he was, nonetheless, secretly merciless. In a rare moment of indulgence Jack committed an act he thought was beyond forgiveness and one which he thought he could never forget. While seeking to defend himself from a drunken neighbor, Jack let loose with a stunning left hook leaving the neighbor with a broken nose.

Shame feeds in the dark hidden corners of life. Guilt is about actions or thoughts that lead a person to feel embarrassed and remorseful. Shame is about self worth or rather worthlessness of the person. Guilt wounds us but does not create despair. If guilt is remains unaddressed or does not fade with time, an opening for shame then develops. Shame is unforgiving. It is seemingly inescapable and sadly accompanied by unrelenting violent judgement of oneself. Shame destroys from the inside and no amount of contrition seems to weaken the hungry beast. The fact that Jack was defending himself made little difference because he had broken his own moral code of non-violence.

Fortunately, Jack's friends knew what he didn't: talking openly, fearlessly, and emotionally shares the burden and eases the shame. Listening without judging heals. Jack also learned a spiritual practice could lead to self forgiveness. In future blogs I will be describing important attitudes about this practice. For now, although I am not a religious man by nature, I'd like to close today's blog with a passage that meant a lot to my friend Jack and which some readers may find helpful especially if used meditatively

Psalm 139

My God, you have searched me and known me;

How deep are your thoughts, O God

Jack has rediscovered his moral balance and walks a little lighter these days and oh yes, his smile has returned.

About the Author:

Richard Raubolt, Ph.D. is a psychologist, writer, husband, father and Irish Wolfhound lover.