SelfhelpMagazine

by Reid K. Hester, Ph.D.

Drinking that much "almost every night" suggests that it's become a very integrated part of your socialization. So not drinking and putting yourself in that particular bar to socialize may be difficult. Consider not drinking for a couple weeks and socializing in places other than the bar. This may be easier as you won't have as many cues to drink as in your favorite hangout. Then, when you're comfortable socializing and not drinking (which can take some time), consider returning to your old haunt.

When you do, plan ahead. Think about what you'll order to drink. What you'll say to your old drinking buddies. Consider some activities that keep your hands busy. Play pool, shoot darts. And don't be surprised if some of your old drinking buddies aren't as friendly if you aren't drinking with them. Your true friends will be glad to see you. People who are just drinking buddies may be threatened by your not drinking.

This is one aspect that was recognized very early on in Alcoholics Anonymous. They developed what has become known as the "fellowship" which is a very strong and fast- forming social system that forms around a newly sober person to help them stabilize with a brand new circle of friends who are also sober.

Many people attribute their sobriety to the AA "fellowship" even if they reject much of the remaining AA program. The easiest way to develop such a strong social system in AA is to go to about 8-10 meetings, and in one, stand up and identify yourself as a "Newcomer who needs the Fellowship". Stick around after each of those meetings for at least a half hour, even if you want to crawl out of your skin.

Most often, someone will come up alongside you and ask you to join them for coffee at Denny's or Starbucks are some such public place. Ask who else will, be joining you. Never go alone, but if a group is going, talk to them and see if they feel like the kinds of people you'd like to get to know, or at the very least, that don't frighten you. If you feel safe with the person who invited you and the others who will be joining you, go with them and start to make new friends.

These are the people who you'll be able to count on as you regain your sobriety. Once you get your 'land legs' with your sobriety, go back to your old haunts, and maybe bring one of your new sober buddies with you. See if you view your old friends with the same eyes. If yes, you've lost nothing. If not, you'll know to go elsewhere for your friendships, and you'll have a whole new set of people to choose from. One more thing. Very few people are completely successful in changing drinking behaviors perfectly. If you slip, learn something from your mistake, resume your non-drinking, and try something different. Keep trying. Persevere.

If you still have difficulties, consider some professional help.

About the Author:

Reid K. Hester, Ph.D., Director, Research Division, Behavior Therapy Associates, 9426 Indian School Rd NE, Suite 1, Albuquerque, NM 87112. Phone: 505.345.6100.

Dr. Hester is has developed an evidence-based, web application called ModerateDrinking.com to help heavy drinkers be successful in changing their drinking. A video demo of the program is available at www.behaviortherapy.com