SelfhelpMagazine

by Wendy Amstutz-Haws, Ph.D. & Brent Mallinckrodt, Ph.D.

Jose and his new wife were happily married, for about 1 month. Then Jose's mother began calling more frequently, and before Monique knew what was happening...she was calling daily. Jose's mother started knowing things before Monique knew them, and decisions affecting Monique were being made without her input. Whenever Monique mentioned feeling "left out" to Jose, he told her she was making too a big deal out if nothing. Monique was trying to get along with her new mother-in-law, but found herself steadily growing more and more resentful. She also began confiding more in her own mother, and was saying negative things about her new husband's "lack of backbone" and her mother-in-laws "sticking her nose" into their business. They were both often quite upset with each other. Neither one knew how to fix the problem, and both considered their new spouse to be 100% wrong.

This is an all-too-common problem. Many young people get confused about exactly where to draw the line when it comes to allowing or accepting parental influence in the critical first few months after marriage. A husband's lack of emotional separation from his parents can ruin or save marriage, according to a study on marital adjustment in newlywed couples.

While many studies focus on the characteristics of the husband-wife bond, few examine the bonds between the newlyweds and their parents. This eye-opening study does just that.

The researchers surveyed 25 heterosexual couples who were 18-30 years old and had been married between 6-13 months. The couples were asked how much they felt they were psychologically detached from their parents, and how much they had established themselves as distinct individuals.

Each spouse was also asked whether they felt they got along as a couple, whether they were satisfied with the marriage, whether they received enough affection and whether they agreed enough on various issues.

"A husbands' lack of independence from both his parents," said author Dr. Amstutz-Haws, "was the biggest predictor for both spouses not adjusting very well to the new marriage. That is, the more the husband relied on his parent's opinions and views, the less happy both spouses seemed. Both spouses reported higher levels of adjustment and satisfaction in their marriage when the husbands were free from excessive guilt, anxiety, mistrust, responsibility, inhibition, resentment and anger in relation to their mothers in particular. The couples were also better adjusted in their new marriage when the husband possessed a greater ability to manage and direct practical affairs without the help of their fathers."

Freed of emotional baggage from their mothers, and independent enough to make practical decisions without their fathers, young married men and their wives fared better overall. Perhaps every parent of a young couple ought to quietly be given a copy of these findings at the rehearsal dinner?

"We were also able to determine the difference between how men and women separate themselves from their parents and how that affects the marital relationship," said the authors.

"Wives' adjustment to marriage seemed to depend on how well the husbands separated from their parents. Whereas husbands' adjustment to marriage depended on how well both spouses separated from their parents' influence." The key then, is for the husband to stand strong and maintain his independence from relying on his parents (especially his mother) when it comes to decisions about his marriage and home life.

This information received from the American Psychological Association (APA), in Washington, DC.