SelfhelpMagazine

by LuAnn Pierce, MSW, CMSW

Loss of trust is difficult to overcome, but it can be done. It sounds like you went through some tough times, and now you are paying a high price for it. It is not unusual for some people to experiment with behaviors that are foreign to them for a while and gradually return to their original ways.

One thing to remember is that your family and friends usually want to believe in and trust you, but have learned to protect themselves from disappointment from past experiences. If you think about it, it makes sense for them to back off and let you show them the changes instead of taking your word for it.

There may have been times in the past year when your words and actions were not the same. Most people want to believe what people tell them, but have no choice but to accept their actions as reality.

Regaining Trust
I would say that the best way to earn someone's trust is to do what you say you will do. If you are supposed to be home at a specific time, be there. No excuses. In the event there is a real emergency, let them know immediately. It is really up to you whether or not your friends and family can trust you again.

If it is important to you that you rebuild those relationships, most of the work will be yours. You probably need to tell them that you are going to do everything you can to re-establish the trust and relationship you had before, and ask them to meet you halfway. That usually means asking them to at least "wait and see."

There is usually no need to make a lot of specific promises about what you will and won't do to earn their trust. One basic truth covers most of the things you need to work on, and that is honesty. Be honest with yourself, your family and friends. If you screw up, admit it ... you are human, after all!

Making specific promises to be perfect can only lead to failure, but don't even try. People will respect you more for admitting that you messed up than they will if you are perfect.

We all have choices to make and must live with the consequences. Your choices now should be made based on your goal of earning trust from people you care about.

Just remember, you only have control over your actions and beliefs. You can't control or change anyone but yourself. I bet your parents and friends tried to control or change you while you were going through those tough times, without success. It is no different now.

If you really want to return to your old self, the one they knew and loved before the problems, you need to change yourself.

Also, you can't control whether or how soon friends and family will trust you again, so spend your energy making changes in your attitude, beliefs and behaviors. Everything else will happen in time. Be patient, people are reluctant to make the same mistakes over and over again.

I congratulate you on writing this question, and can see that you are off to a great start!

About the Author:

LuAnn Pierce, MSW, CMSW is the author of Growing up Sane (in uncertain times), Seminar Leader Growing Well Adjusted Kids, Editor-in-Chief Person to Person: Strengthening Youth & Families and Telephone Counselor Affinity Counseling Center.