Seven Weeks to Sexual Heaven

by Dagmar O'Connor, Ph.D.

Does your love life have all the excitement of a wet noodle? Have you forgotten what it's like to tingle when you kiss? Do you and your partner feel, at the end of the work day, like you're just too tired to make love -- or even cuddle? If so, then clear your mind of all the well-worn notions of what it takes to got yourself In the mood, as they say, and be prepared to follow these simple -- yet specific -- steps towards a more fulfilling and passionate sex life.

That's right -- no classical music, no wine and roses, no toe-nibbling or ear-blowing. This is a seven-week regimen of graduated sensual exercises which, when followed, has been proven to improve the romantic lives of thousands of couples.

In the 36 years since I've been teaching them, I've witnessed the resurrection of thousands of relationships from growing old and stale -- gracefully,

Before I get into specifics, I'd like to point out that the reason most couples find it difficult to combine love and sex is that the feeling of great sex -- which is initially so exhilarating -- becomes frightening as individuals fear losing themselves In the other person. This hearkens back to the feelings we had in infancy, when we lost ourselves in our mother's arms. The key is letting go, but knowing that you can regain control when you want to. This is a way to "un-daddy" or "un-mommy" your partner.

This is an education for feelings not bodies. The bodies are used to access the feelings, which make this education different.

When the sexual impulse is broken, as in all sexual dysfunction, it indicates a strong disconnection from self. It is my role to help people heal the injury, and reconnect with themselves again, and then with each other. The exercises I teach take both time and commitment, so you and your partner should be ready and willing to make an effort.

First Week

Toss a coin. The winner has the privilege of initiating the first sensuous exercise -- of being the one who is touched.

To start this process, the winner must say, at some point during the next week, "I want to be touched now." He/she must take the partner by the hand into the bedroom and get undressed with the light on, get into the bed and proceed to show your partner where you want to be touched -- with the exception of the breasts and genitals-- by giving non-verbal signs, such as moving the toucher's hand and pressing it down for harder and up for gentler touching. No return touch -- and no intercourse -- is allowed. The touchee must concentrate on what he/she is feeling. Drink it in!

This should proceed anywhere from 15- 45 minutes. When the touchee has had enough, switch roles and proceed with the same.

This process is not a performance. Let your feelings arise as they will, focusing on what you are feeling at the moment. Even If they turn out not to feelings of arousal, but sadness, anger, and pain.

Second Week

Continue with the touching exercises, but now make sure you do them three times a week. See just how experimental you can get without touching breasts or genitals. Try playing with feathers, or even unusual locations, such as the shower.

Experiment with kissing. Many couples have abandoned kissing and move right to sex. Kissing is an important part of this exercise as you can't depersonalize sex while looking into someone's eyes.

Third Week

You are going to bring genital sex Into your sex life now--but in a new way. Continue with the three sessions, but finish them by masturbating simultaneously in front of each other. This may sound strange at first -- like the opposite of intimacy -- but you will find that once you have shared this ultimate secret with each other, your intimacy will become even more profound. I've heard feedback from couples who say that after this exercise, their partner becomes more real to them.

Fourth Week

Include breasts but not genitals in each of your three sessions this week. It is up to the touchee to decide when to stop You may also indicate how you want your breasts touched. (Many women allow their breasts to be touched in a way that is not stimulating, simply because they are too shy to ask for what they want.)

Fifth Week

This week, together each of you should stand before a full-length mirror. Say what you like about your body out loud. Do not compare your body to anyone else's.

Then take a good look at your genitals, like a doctor giving a physical exam. Again out loud, describe everything you see. The purpose of this is to make yourself more comfortable with your genitals. When you are finished the partner goes next.

Next, start your usual touching session. Then you can explore the genitals, with the touching guiding the partner's hand as you explore each partners' private parts, but only for a minute.

During the second session, experiment with the arousal. Let it build and subside. You will discover, in time, that arousal and erection will return over and over again. After orgasm, help guide your partner's hand on your genitals, showing what you would like after sex as well.

Sixth Week

Start experimenting with variations such as oral sex. By now you should realize that the key to intimacy is expressing your needs and the key to releasing your feelings to the ability to linger with them. Continue the exercises, but now note that the touchee may respond as he/she wishes.

Seventh Week

Don't forget to touch the whole body before you touch the genitals.

After some period of touching, the man should lie flat on his back and the woman should straddle him. She should gently insert only the tip of his penis into her vagina for one minute only. Do not move. Make it a "nice visit." Return to stroking. Do not have intercourse. During the next session, do the same thing, but the woman should gradually put the man's penis inside her. Notice how you are joined together.

Now you can go "all the way," trying different positions. This may be the first time you've experienced such closeness. Hopefully, the intimacy you now feel will make you view your sexuality In a whole new -- and exciting -- light!

Whether you are a heterosexual or gay couple, your success at this program using this article, a book, video how-to package, or a week's workshop, depends on your motivation, and your ability to go slow and not rush to orgasm or intercourse. You must learn that you do not turn each other on, but YOU TURN YOURSELVES ON WITH EACH OTHER. If you get stuck, consider finding a good sex therapist to help you. it's worth the effort!

About the Author:

Dagmar O'Connor, Ph.D. is an industrial/organizational psychologist based in New York City.