Coming Out to Parents: Help, My Boyfriend Disagrees!

by Gail S. Bernstein, Ph.D.

For many gay, lesbian, bi-sexual or transgendered people, coming out to parents is difficult. Coming out to religious parents can be one of the most soul-searching, gut-wrenching experiences you'll ever face. Describing it as a tough predicament doesn't do it justice. It is usually nothing short of sheer inner torment, a true burden.

It is saddest when this type of burden is carried alone, that is, when our chosen life partner doesn't agree or understand our predicament. Not too surprisingly, couples break up over this kind of issue.

Choose Your Partner Wisely

Most people in our culture initially choose partners based on sexual attraction, but a whole lot more goes into a happy marriage than sex practices. I always tell my GLBT clients that their choice of partners must include consideration of very specific needs and compatibilities.

Such things as needs and compatibilities are boring in comparison to the striking and all-enveloping hues cast by new-found passion, but those human needs inevitably surface in never-ending quarrels about the same tired topics. How much you respect, accept and can be flexible with each others differences will make or break your relationship.

For any relationship to work, gay or straight, both partners need to be in agreement about certain key issues, including (but not limited to):

• children
• parents
• work
• money
• the definition of "infidelity"
• geographic location
• spirituality

The more we can have discussions and make agreements about these issues early on in a relationship, the more we can know if our passions have led us to a dead end, or toward a happy sunset.

Devastation Takes Many Forms

It's easy to see why you don't want to tell your parents about your sexual orientation. If the news of your sexual orientation and choice of life partner sends anyone you love into a religious (or any other type of) panic or devastation for which they spend hours recovering, it may not be worth it to you.

Some families truly feel utter desperation with such news. Some have been known to cope by doing whatever they know to do when desperate.

Some spend their time fervently praying or punishing themselves, sacrificing whatever they can, as they would if they were facing the death of their child. The can go through all the steps of coping with a real death: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and hopefully, eventually, acceptance.

In effect, they are forced to deal with what is the death of the dream they had about you and who they believed you are. They may not be able to cope. They may need psychological intervention to help with self-blame, rumination, panic attacks, sleepless nights and much more.

Some parents just aren't able to view homosexuality from anything but through the lens of their religious beliefs. If those beliefs include their possible need to disown and therefore cut off their relationship with you, the decision to come out is indeed one to be considered carefully.

What may feel like unburdening to you may be the imposing of a crushing weight upon them. You are the one in the best position to fully appreciate the weight of your news upon them.

The Price of Living a Lie

While it makes sense that you would rather avoid such a harsh negative reaction, it's also easy to see why your boyfriend doesn't want to live a life that is a lie. Keeping such a big secret from family at repeated gatherings imposes demands that can become ridiculous. They can be deeply stressful, and run counter to his personal beliefs about how he deserves to live his life on this planet.

Choosing to remain in the closet with some people implies that other people will know about you and be asked to either not interact with your parents, or hold your secret when around them. Keeping secrets is a messy business and not always successful. Maybe your boyfriend doesn't want to carry the stress of never knowing when your secret will be revealed by some unwitting or uncaring gossip.

It's also important that you acknowledge that you have found a partner who feels good about your relationship and wants to let everyone else know about it. He may have his own reasons for not wanting to keep the love of his life a secret. He may have a sincere need to stop treating your love for each other as dirty, sinful or bad.

Caught in the Middle When Coming Out

To be caught in the middle like you are is an all-too-common experience for many gay people. If you choose not to tell them, you may lose the chance that your parents could do as many others, and eventually find a way to "live with how God made you."

Religious parents often have trouble reconciling their love for their child and the religious beliefs they've held their entire lives.

• They may live within a community that exacts a heavy toll from them for "wayward" members.
• They may themselves find that they are caught in the middle, between you and their entire religious community, from which they might derive meaning and definition for their lives.
• Reconciliation with such parents can take 10, 20 or much more years, and for some, it never comes.

There's just no way to be sure what will eventually happen. All you can do is to continue to try and educate yourself and them.

The Central Issue

What's most important in this situation is for you to be clear about what you want. I believe that we each have to make our own decisions about coming out to our own parents. We owe it to ourselves to not simply "give in" and allow anyone else to make this particular decision for us.

Tally Your Thoughts & Feelings

To be rational, it may help you to draw a line down the middle of a page and list all the pros on one side and the cons of coming out on the another. Of course, the length of each side is not as important as the weight you give to any one item. The simple act of writing your thoughts can help you get the conflict out of your head and onto paper, where you can look at it more objectively.

It's ok to let the list be a work-in-progress for awhile. That means that if you start it today, you can add things to it as time goes on. Next week you may have a conversation with someone, or read a magazine article that triggers a whole new entry for your page.

Make a Decision

Once you think you (or you and your partner) have pretty much captured all your feelings and thoughts about both sides of the issue, it's time to make a decision.

If you're not convinced that the benefits outweigh the costs, don't do it for your boyfriend, no matter how much you love him. If you do it and it backfires like you think it will, you may end up resenting him for the rest of your life.

This decision has to come from within you, and not anyone else. After all, you're the one who will need to reconcile this choice on your own deathbed.

By the way, that perspective, the life-long perspective, is one that I find really useful when making big decisions.

Deathbed Exercise

Imagine yourself on your deathbed, and imagine how you will feel about your choice when the lights grow dim and you are thinking back on how you treated your parents, your boyfriend, and yourself. What do you want to be able to say to yourself in those final moments about this issue?

Negotiation as an Alternative for Peace

If you decide not to tell your parents the whole truth about your relationship with your partner, it is important that you demonstrate to him that you are aware of the cost you are asking him to pay. Some couples never find a comfortable spot about big differences, and choose to "negotiate."

In essence, they barter their discomfort over one decision with another one that will "cost" the other party (him) a similar price in another key area of disagreement.

For example, if you decide to come out to your parents and deal with the cost he is exacting from you and them, you may ask him to do something equitable. An equitable arrangement is one whereby he accommodates you in a way that asks him to give up something he holds equally precious.

You may or may not be able to think of something that is a reasonable match. Only a series of well-considered, rational discussions will help you determine if such an exchange is possible.

If sovereign but warring nations manage to negotiate their way to peace despite decades of turmoil, bloodshed and death, chances are good that you can find a negotiated peace.

Enlisting the Aid of a Therapist

My suggestion is that you arrange to have met at least 3-4 times with a good family therapist in the city closest to your parents before coming out to them. If you want to tell them, prepare for the worst, and in the best of all worlds, you won't need that professional for more than your private sounding board.

Make sure the professional has an excellent reputation for dealing with religious families, and make sure that therapist is going to be physically available to help you and your parents cope with whatever emotional problems surface for at least 6 months after you come out.

Issues may not surface before the next big holiday meal is planned, or wedding, or death of Grampa. You will want to feel as if you've done everything you can to carry your own weight, even if it costs you a few thousand dollars.

Haggling Becomes Off Limits

One more thought about such negotiations. Once these negotiations are made, your job as a couple is to make further haggling about these decision off limits.

Your work becomes learning to live with your decisions like grown-ups, and not continually exacting a toll from each other by repeatedly bringing up related negative feelings. Once an agreement is made, both people need to practice self-control and acceptance. This is not always as easy as it may sound.

There are a lot of difficult life choices, like coming out. There can always be heavy prices to pay when a couple has many fundamental differences.

Resources:

Family Acceptance is a website developed by families who have struggled with accepting a gay adult child. You can find it at http://familyacceptance.com [1]

PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays), an international organization, has several good publications about coming out issues. If you'd like to know about those publications, call or write them at:

Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG)
1101 14th Street, N.W., Suite 1030
Washington, D.C. 20005
(202) 638-4200

About the Author:

Gail S. Bernstein, Ph.D. [2] is an author and psychologist. She has a psychotherapy practice in Denver, Colorado. Dr. Bernstein speaks and writes about gay, lesbian and bisexual people for both general and professional audiences, and is the author of the audiotape, NOT HETEROSEXUAL: An Educational Program About Gay, Lesbian and Bisexual People [3].