Helping Hands: Understanding and Receiving Support

by Phil Rich, Ed.D., MSW, DCSW

Types of Support

A support system is made up of those people who are there with helping hands. An effective system not only provides help under different circumstances, but fills different needs and is made up of different kinds of support.

There's support in which people have the ear, sympathy, and emotional support of friends and family members. Here, support is "passive" because it has no tangible consequences: it doesn't pay the bills, provide immediate answers, or remove the source of the problem. But it does allow people to unload feelings and share their emotional burden, provide encouragement and reassurance, and fill a need to be connected to and part of something else.

There's "practical" support also, in which concrete and tangible assistance is provided. This can range from financial loans, to physical help, taking care of the kids, providing meaningful advice, and pointing people in the right direction.

Unlike the support and sympathy offered by friends who nevertheless don't understand what we're going through, there's also the "affiliative" support offered by people who know exactly what we're going through because they've been through it themselves. And then there's the "professional" support offered by mental health counselors, pastoral counselors, and other specialists who have had training and experience helping in situations very much like our own.

Natural and Drafted Helping Hands

There are also two different sources for support. There's support that's "naturally" available, and support that must be "drafted" or recruited. Where natural support includes help provided by family, friends, and others in our life who see our troubles first hand, drafted support is sought out and recruited. Natural supporters are already in our circle of support; drafted help must be developed.

Help, Support, and Treatment

Support is often used to describe a shoulder to lean upon, a sympathetic and understanding ear, and a friendly hand. When seen in this way, "support" becomes a term that includes all forms of help. In this definition, where support is a general backdrop and attitude, help is a specific intervention or form of support: support is the sympathy and understanding, and help is the actual hand up.

Treatment is more usually thought as help provided by people trained as "professional" helpers, and usually involves some planned and specific interventions. Along a continuum, treatment is the most planned, most developed, and most professionally delivered form of help, and most likely drafted.

 At the other end of the other end of this scale lies the non-professional help and natural support of family and friends. Somewhere along the middle of this continuum lies self help groups and organizations. These are forms of help that bridge the gap between non-professional help and professional treatment.

Getting Help

• What kind of help is needed?
• What kind of help is wanted?
• Do people know where to get help?
• Do people know how to get help?
• Will people accept help when available?

Obstacles to Support

There are many reasons why people don't get the support and help they need and deserve.

• We sometimes expect others to know we need support, even though we won't tell them.
• It can be frightening to ask for help, perhaps because we're afraid we won't get it even though we've asked.
• The way we're raised can get in the way of asking for help or accepting it.
• Pride can get in the way of asking for help, and it may feel like admitting to a weakness.
• Like pride, shame and humiliation can also get in the way.
• Sometimes people don't know that help is available, or don't know how to get it.
• Denial often gets in the way, where we don't want to admit we have a problem or need help.

The Continuum of Help

Help can be as informal as advice, support, and comfort from a friend, or as formal and deliberate as seeing and working with a professional counselor or therapist. Self help groups represent a third alternative.

In fact, the best and most complete help comes from the most complete support systems, with a range of helping hands available that cover both ends of the spectrum and everything in between. An effective support system is a "web" of different kinds of support, meeting different needs at different times and under different circumstances. But first and foremost, we must ask for help when needed, and accept it when offered.

References:

Brammer, L. M., & Macdonald, G. (1998). "The Helping Relationship: Process and Skills." Needham Heights, MA: Allyn & Bacon. Corey, M.S., & Corey, G. (1997). "Becoming a Helper." Pacific Grove, CA: Brooks/Cole. Kanfer, F. H., & Goldstein, A. P. (Eds). (1992). "Helping People Change: A Textbook of Methods." Needham Heights, MA: Allyn & Bacon. Hill, C. E., & O'Brien, K. M. (1999). " Helping Skills: Facilitating Exploration Insight and Action." Washington, DC: American Psychological Association. Long, V. (1996). "Communication Skills in Helping Relationships: A Framework for Facilitating Personal Growth." Pacific Grove, CA: Brooks/Cole. Lubove, R. (1975). "The Professional Altruist." New York: Atheneum. Tindall, J. A. (1989). "Peer Counseling." Muncie, IN: Accelerated Development, Inc.

About the Author:

Phil Rich, Ed.D., MSW, DCSW [1] is the author of "Understanding, Assessing, and Rehabilitating Juvenile Sexual Offenders," the eight books in "The Healing Journey" series of self help journaling books, and two books in the "Therapy Homework Planner," series, all of which are published by John Wiley & Sons. He is the Clinical Director of the Stetson School, a long-term residential treatment program for sexually reactive children and juvenile sexual offenders.