by Marlene M. Maheu, Ph.D.
In line with our previous article on Cybersex Survey, Cybersex - Early Survey Answers [1], 've compiled answers here according to those people whose comments are in favor of and those opposed to [2] cybersex. These surveys led to a book, published by Dr. Maheu and Rona Subotnik in 2001, entitled "Infidelity on the Internet".
Female
There is no fear of AIDS or other STD's. You don't need to worry about becoming pregnant either. Most people who have affairs are not looking for the sexual relationship but are missing a void that their partners aren't providing. Cyber-sexual affairs allow people to fill this void without actually committing adultery!
Female
It has been a learning experience for me, I was always very passive and quiet in bed with my partner, this has helped me open up and show a side of myself that I never knew existed...it is very exciting to me, and my boyfriend as well! We have also engaged in phone sex with each other. Our relationship has a definite "spark" to it, and I have made the comment to him many times that we never would have known each other quite this well if we had met in a more traditional manner.
I feel meeting in cyberspace has its advantages and disadvantages...but for me it has been a plus. I always had a hard time talking about my feelings and expressing them. Online I felt safer and more daring, so I was able to share much more with my partner here than I have ever been able to do in real life. I even got myself a book about how to talk dirty to your partner...it has helped me talk about things and say things that I never ever thought would come out of my mouth...not filthy things, but things that sound pleasurable to me...and my partner! Our online experiences have brought us very close together. We have even talked about marriage and we haven't even met.
Male
Cyber sexual affairs (or the so-called one-night or two-night stands, which I have had) hardly qualify as being the same sort of destructive event that a real caught-my-wife-in-the-sack-with-the-milkman sort of affair invariably is.
Male
This would provide me (A man in my early 50's) with a safe way to fantasize and remember the things I most enjoyed with real sex without having to phyisically "cheat" on my wife who has not had sex with me in over 3 years. She keeps saying "We're too old for that," while I still have sexual desires and needs. But since I am uncomfortable with the idea of looking for another woman to satisfy my needs physically, I can at least fantasize and self satisfy my sexual needs.
Male
Could be highly informative and gives opportunity to share personal views/issues/problems that one would seldom speak out to any mature adult.
Male
I think cyber-sex can help diffuse hostility between some couples and thereby enhance a person's primary relationship. I think the private lusting after someone other than your spouse always diverts energy from your primary relationship in ways that are less than ideal.
Female
E-sex can be very stimulating because it brings us into truly intimate mental contact with another person, with surprising results sometimes.
Male
I have found that I can explore my sexual fantasies on the internet. I find it also super that there is no face to face contact, and therefore no embarrassment. I am a shy person, and have not had a sexual partner for a while.
Male
Cybersex may fuel the imagination, and could perhaps enhance real sex, much in the way a forum type magazine might. If a relationship were strong in the firstplace, a partner would not stray into those places on the internet where cybersex is found.
Female
During my separation and into my divorce, I found cyber and phone sex to be relatively satisfying. I met a man on the net, we had cyber cudding, phone sex, eventually met and married. He is one of the warmest people I have ever met. He has completely fulfilled me. I no longer have cyber affairs. I do have friends with whom I once had cybersex, but if they couldn't make the switch to platonic friendship, I let them go.
Female
Cybersex is not a threat to a solid relationship...if a cyberaffair is engaged in, the relationship is weak at some critical point anyway.
Male
The possibility of sex outside usual norms seems a kind of new frontier which awakens the spirit of pioneers.
Female
I believe that they are safer, especially because of the deadliness of sexually transmitted diseases, you are not endangering your partner with your extracurricular activities. I think that it is a healthier form of sexual expression and it allows people to try things that they normally wouldn't (i.e. homosexual sex, B & D, etc.).
Female
I find nothing wrong with it as long as there is some integrity involved. As in, not doing it behind a trusting partner's back. I think cybersex is a legitimate form of sexual release for people who may otherwise not be able to. It is discreet and safe.
Male
By the electronic connection, one is protected from physical/health harm and from some kinds of emotional risks -- rejection based on appearance (when photos aren't exchanged, or even if they are!).
Female
It's a safer vehicle because you can express things more openly in e-mail that you might not otherwise express in person because there is a safe barrier between the two people called an "e-mail server."
Male
Our experience has been relatively positive with cybersex as a couple and very negative when engaged in as a solitary practice.
Male
It's a place where people accept one another and their differences, but also support one another.
Female
After about six weeks of endless hours on the computer and telephone (and exchanging photos) we physically met each other and have not been apart since that day. You share more emotions through the computer than you would in person due to the fact that you are not as vulnerable.
Female
We often enjoyed sex after he had been online and we frequently enjoyed sex when we chatted together as a couple.
Male
I think some people have established net relationships (friendships and otherwise) because something fundamentally important to their marriages is missing, either has been lost or was never there. Also, the net relationships allow people who are experiencing changes and personal growth to find others who will encourage that personal growth. That can lead to romantic feelings.
Female
My husband knows I have some kinky conversations on the net, but I always say I'm just having fun. So far he has let it slide. As I learn more about the internet as a whole, I find more wholesome activities to enter into.
Female
In chat rooms and e-mail, you drop all of the barriers that protect you from others. You can just be yourself. Through several month's time, it was a lot less sex and a lot more true friendship. I fell in love with this man on IRC. I felt like I was cheating on my fiancee, but I thought that my irc-lover actually loved me more than the man I had in my arms.
About the Author:
Dr. Maheu [3] is an author, speaker, and researcher. She is the lead author of "E-Health, Telehealth & Telemedicine: A Guide to Program Startup and Success" co-written with Pamela Whitten and Ace Allen, published by Jossey-Bass: San Francisco.
She has also been the lead author on these two books: "Infidelity on the Internet" and "The Mental Health Professional and the New Technologies."