SelfhelpMagazine

by Edward A. Dreyfus, Ph.D.

One of the most important reasons that people have unsuccessful relationships is because they choose poorly from the beginning. They are more concerned with meeting their own dependency needs than they are with evaluating the potential partner for appropriateness.

In your case, since you were married at 17 and have been in four relationships since your divorce, you have had very little experience in learning how to select wisely. You appear more desperate to be in a relationship than in learning how to choose.

Learning how to listen to what people say and learning to evaluate by watching the actions of others takes practice. You might want to give yourself more time to learn about yourself and to learn more about assessing others, before you become distrustful. Your distrust may be more about not being able to trust yourself to choose wisely than about the untrustworthiness of the men you choose.

As I have stated in my book (see the Amazing Book Store at this site), people spend more time and energy choosing and evaluating a house or even a dress they wish to buy than they do in selecting a mate. If you wanted to buy a house for your family, you certainly wouldn't be disappointed if you didn't find it after going to four open houses.

Given the fact that you have three children, you have to be even more selective. Also, the population from which you choose -- men who want to marry a woman with three children -- will be significantly smaller than if you had no children. Before allowing yourself to become emotionally involved with a man to the point of calling it a "relationship," you should learn as much about him as possible.

You would want to know how he related to other women, whether he wants a commitment that leads to marriage, whether he likes or wants children; you would want to know his values, attitudes, beliefs, etc. You would want to evaluate potential mates as to whether they would be a good step-parent for your children. Choosing a mate takes careful thought and planning, as well as considerable self-knowledge. I suggest that you develop a bit more patience, experience, and self-understanding before you jump into another relationship.

About the Author:

Dr. Edward A. Dreyfus is a Clinical Psychologist, Marriage, Family, Child Therapist, and Sex Therapist. Dr. Dreyfus has been providing psychological services in the Los Angeles-Santa Monica area for over 30 years. He offers individual psychotherapy to adolescents and adults, divorce mediation, couples counseling, group therapy, and career and vocational counseling and assessment.His book, Someone Right For You, is available in the Amazing Bookstore Catalog.

Dr. Dreyfus can be reached at: (310) 208-5700.