I Am A 37-Year-Old Woman Who Has Difficulties with Self-Esteem

by Edward A. Dreyfus, Ph.D.

Question: I am a 37-year-old woman who has difficulties with self-esteem. Most people intimidate me; I believe that my feelings don't count and feel that everyone is more worthwhile than I am. I believe that if anyone gets to know me, they will find out that I have some mental defect and will eventually abandon me. When around others I sit in the corner, quietly, most of the time.

I want to be free to express myself without fear. What can I do to help myself?

Your plight is not unfamiliar to me. I can imagine how uncomfortable you are and how much pain you must be in. Most people who experience themselves as you do, suffer from holding on to beliefs and assumptions that have not been tested in reality. They fail to examine the supporting evidence for the belief. Rather, they act on the assumptions as if they were fact.

For example, is there evidence that you have a mental defect? Or is it a belief that you have been holding onto for years out of habit? Take the belief that everyone is more worthwhile than you are. Is there anyone who is less worthwhile, e.g., murderers, rapists, etc.? When compared to some people, you might be far more worthwhile.

There is a psychological approach to correcting faulty belief systems known as cognitive-behavior therapy. This approach focuses on helping individuals recognize their faulty beliefs, their automatic negative thinking patterns, and assists them in changing these beliefs. As the beliefs change, and as you practice new behaviors based on the new beliefs, you begin to feel differently about yourself.

Your self-esteem will rise as you make changes in your behavior. Most forms of psychotherapy have aspects of this approach embedded in them. Psychologists who practice cognitive-behavior therapy specialize in these types of issues. You may want to read the handbook entitled Feeling Good by David Burns, M.D. It is based on cognitive-behavioral theory.

You do not have to live in such a restricted world. You can be happy and learn to live without fear. I suggest that you seek professional help soon. You will find that change is possible.

About the Author:

Dr. Edward A. Dreyfus is a Clinical Psychologist, Marriage, Family, Child Therapist, and Sex Therapist. Dr. Dreyfus has been providing psychological services in the Los Angeles-Santa Monica area for over 30 years. He offers individual psychotherapy to adolescents and adults, divorce mediation, couples counseling, group therapy, and career and vocational counseling and assessment.His book, Someone Right For You, is available in the Amazing Bookstore Catalog.

Dr. Dreyfus can be reached at: (310) 208-5700.

Originally published 3/18/98
Revised 1/19/09 by Marlene M. Maheu, Ph.D.

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