SelfhelpMagazine

by Edward A. Dreyfus, Ph.D.

There are two issues here. First we have the issue of the lying and second we have the issue of getting someone to seek help.

Some people are pathological liars. Most often the need to lie stems from low self-esteem and insecurity. Liars feel the need to protect themselves from any form of rebuke. They seek immediate relief from the anxiety generated by any question directed toward them.

Thus, telling a lie becomes both a defense against the perceived attack and relief from the anxiety. I have known people who had to keep a written record of what they said to whom in order to keep track of their lies. In some ways chronic liars are similar to alcoholics. That is, they both suffer from low self-esteem, the need for immediate gratification, and disregard for the long-term consequences of their actions.

The fact that a compulsive liar or gambler is aware that he has a problem is good. That they are often not aware of the affect of their behavior on others, and this suggests that he has been told directly enough.

Sometimes a "family intervention" can be helpful. This means that the entire family -- including the children and any other persons affected -- gets together with the liar and confronts him with how much it hurts when he lies and how it affects the relationships. Then tell him that you love him and wish he would seek professional help. The impact of having to face all of his loved ones at one time may be the push he needs to seek professional help.

It would be helpful for you to ascertain the name and phone number of a mental health professional in your area to be able to give to your husband at the time the family meets with him. You can obtain a referral from your local psychological association. In addition, there are self-help groups such as Alcoholics Anonymous and Gamblers Anonymous that could be helpful.

There is also Al-Anon groups for family members to gain help and understanding in dealing with such compulsive behaviors. The statement, "My name is Joe. I am a compulsive liar. And I need help," can be the first step in the process of change.

About the Author:

Dr. Edward A. Dreyfus is a Clinical Psychologist, Marriage, Family, Child Therapist, and Sex Therapist. Dr. Dreyfus has been providing psychological services in the Los Angeles-Santa Monica area for over 30 years. He offers individual psychotherapy to adolescents and adults, divorce mediation, couples counseling, group therapy, and career and vocational counseling and assessment.His book, Someone Right For You, is available in the Amazing Bookstore Catalog.

Dr. Dreyfus can be reached at: (310) 208-5700.