How Can I Trust Again within A Relationship?

by Edward A. Dreyfus, Ph.D.

Question: I am afraid to have a relationship. I can't trust men because of being hurt too many times. How can I heal myself and be able to put myself in "good situations" whereby I judge a man properly? I haven't had many relationships -- I was married at the age of 17 with 3 children, and stayed married for 14 years. Since being single for three years I have had 4 relationships all very short (2-6 months). I am afraid to try again. I am a very loving and caring person, attractive, with many hobbies. I want so much to have a relationship that is stable and secure. How do I ensure that I put myself in the right situation with the right person?

Most people are afraid of rejection just as they are afraid of failure. However, without taking a chance there can be no possibility of success. When it comes to relationships, just as with most things in life, there are ways to increase the probability of success by making better choices.

Ask yourself what ten to fifteen characteristics you would like in a mate. Make a list.
Then ask yourself where you would more likely find people who possess these characteristics. If you are looking for someone with similar interests to your own, where would you find such people? Increase your odds of finding a potential candidate by only frequenting places that you enjoy even if you are alone.
When you meet someone who you find attractive, rate that person on a scale of 1-10 of characteristics on the list. If the person does not receive an average score of 7 or better, move on.
When you talk with men, ask about their beliefs, values, previous relationships, attitudes, and interests. Then listen carefully to their responses. While you should not make it like an interview, you should gain as much information as possible before getting involved.

If you were seeking someone to become partners with in business, you would do a great deal of investigating before making the commitment. It should be no different when you are seeking a mate. For further information on this topic, I suggest you read my article entitled, Someone Right for You, which can be found on this site, and read my book of the same title which, can be purchased through the Amazing Bookstore Catalog at this site.

About the Author:

Dr. Edward A. Dreyfus is a Clinical Psychologist, Marriage, Family, Child Therapist, and Sex Therapist. Dr. Dreyfus has been providing psychological services in the Los Angeles-Santa Monica area for over 30 years. He offers individual psychotherapy to adolescents and adults, divorce mediation, couples counseling, group therapy, and career and vocational counseling and assessment.His book, Someone Right For You, is available in the Amazing Bookstore Catalog.

Dr. Dreyfus can be reached at: (310) 208-5700.

Originally published 05/20/98
Revised 1/19/09 by Marlene M. Maheu, Ph.D.

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