SelfhelpMagazine

by Edward A. Dreyfus, Ph.D.

As I understand your question, you had not seen this man during the last nine years. He now is divorced and has two young children. So for all intents and purposes, this is a new relationship.

You have been together for seven months; you are in love and want to marry. He wants to wait six months, which means that if you wait you would have been going together for a total of thirteen months. However, since you are ready to marry after seven months, you are contemplating ending the relationship until he "gets his head straight." And you are wondering whether you are being hasty.

Perhaps it would be a good idea to ask yourself what's your hurry. Seven months isn't a long time to get to know someone after not being with them for nine years. And seven months isn't long to wait, if you are getting as much out of the relationship as suggested by your statement, "we are very much in love." You didn't say anything about yourself other than you have been single during the nine year period.

He, on the other hand, has responsibilities toward two children. For him, taking a step toward marriage, means a step-mother for his children, and the responsibilities that go with marriage. He is probably thinking about how he will be able to integrate his young children into a new marriage. He might be a bit gun-shy about making another mistake. He might be thinking about financial considerations given that he probably has child support and may have spousal support as well.

A lot of factors may be at play other than the fear of commitment. I would be wondering how long he has been separated, what his relationship is like with children and his ex-wife. For him, at least, there is a lot more to consider than just "we are deeply in love."

I'd suggest that you talk about some of these issues and use this time to think about what marriage to this man would be like, above and beyond the romance. Leaving the relationship because he wants a bit more time before making a major commitment probably says more about your impatience than it does about his unwillingness to make a commitment. You may do well to use this time to get to know the man that he is today, not the man he was nine years ago. You might even want to consider counseling together to explore some of the issues I alluded to above.

About the Author:

Dr. Edward A. Dreyfus is a Clinical Psychologist, Marriage, Family, Child Therapist, and Sex Therapist. Dr. Dreyfus has been providing psychological services in the Los Angeles-Santa Monica area for over 30 years. He offers individual psychotherapy to adolescents and adults, divorce mediation, couples counseling, group therapy, and career and vocational counseling and assessment.His book, Someone Right For You, is available in the Amazing Bookstore Catalog.

Dr. Dreyfus can be reached at: (310) 208-5700.