by Paula Henderson Lewis
When my daughter was born they said she had a small hearing loss that could escalate as she got older. From the time I brought her home from the hospital I began showing her the vowel sounds. You know, a - e - i - o and u. I would press my lips to hers and say the different vowel sounds in a very slow methodical way. Dragging out each letter for about five seconds. I was thrilled when she mimicked me and did it back.
The first thing I made sure she saw from me when she awoke every morning was a big smile to let her know that I was thrilled to see her. I even did this if she awoke crying. When I spoke I made sure it was in a very quiet pleasant voice.
I touched her often, hugging her and stroking her hand, back or hair. What I did not do is make her hug, kiss or be held by me or anyone else if she did not want to. This was the beginning of my teaching her that you do not have to do or allow anything to happen to you that you don't want. I did not want to teach her that this is rude. There are other ways of showing appreciation to someone or saying thank you.
When she began crawling I did not give a three strikes and your out rule. If she touched or did something she should not she was reprimanded the first time. This may seem strict to some of you but I wanted to take advantage of these early years for teachings that would remain in her subconscious and not in her vivid memory.
She is now fifteen and I know from the past fifteen years that this has worked well. She knows that when I expect a rule to be respected that she should, but she does not remember why. If you were to ask her if I am strict she would say no, but that I rather, allow her to think and make decisions on her own.
I have through the years repeated to her, "think before you do anything and pay attention to your conscience." I believe now that by being so strict, up until she was five years old, helped create this "conscience" that gives her a certain amount of fear and hesitation before doing something she knows is wrong. Supplementing that with the repetitive message of paying attention to her conscience from the age of six and up has assisted her in thinking things over first. I did have to give her an example of what your conscience is when she was young.
I used an example from my own life such as speeding is against the law, but I have had times when I am in a hurry and my initial thought was to go faster if I did not see a police officer. When I would start to do this I would get this feeling, hard to explain but a bad feeling perhaps in my stomach and this was my conscience telling me this is something I should not do.
Through the years I stay aware of situations that might be going on in her life that I can ask the question, "how do you feel?" Especially if she has done something she shouldn't, I will ask her if she had a bad feeling prior to doing it. This kept her thinking and helped her tune into herself.
One thing I have never done is tell her no without explaining why. Parenting should not be a dictatorship. I do not want to teach her that she should be submissive. Having an interactive conversation with your child about why they cannot do something or why they should do somthing does not have to be an argument. If you have prepared your children in the early years of their life on how to speak and interact with you in a respectful way, most of your disagreements will be conversations and not arguments.
I have taught her that it is very important that we know where the other is at. When she was a mere one to two years old I would tell her if I was going to move into another room (because I would be out of her sight) and that I would be doing "this" or "that" and how long I would be gone.
If I would take the trash out to the garage I would tell her that I was taking the trash out to the garage and be right back. This was an early way of teaching by example. I knew that when she reached the age of spending more time with her friends than me, I needed to know where she was.
When she reached the age of being able to go home after school alone for the hour and a half until I got off work I would have days where I was going to run to the store before going home. I would not simply tell her that I was going to the store and that I would be late. I gave her a specific time I would be home by or before and made sure I stuck to it.
Now I was getting ready for those years that she would have friends who drove and it was up to her to get herself home by the appointed time. This has all worked well. She tells me where she will be and what time she will be home. If my plans ever change and I end up going to a different location than I originally told her I call and let her know, even if I have to use a telephone booth. She does the same. This was something I did not have to announce as a rule. She simply learned this behavior by years of seeing and hearing me treat her and others the same way.
It has been said for years that we can teach our children best by example. Most parents take that as to what they "don't do" rather than what they do. Yes, this takes time, and you will feel at times that you are back in the years when you were reporting to your parents, only this time you are reporting to your child. Please don't think of it that way. You are not reporting to your children. You are simply teaching them by example.
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