by Kathy Nelson Parent Leader, Illinois Parents Anonymous
My husband, Mark, called me as he left for work, "Just think! It's Monday night and you don't have to go to your Parents Anonymous meeting." I looked at the clock and had to remind myself that attending a Parents Anonymous (PA) group for over 21 years was long enough. I stayed home that night, but my heart was with PA parents I had known through the years.
I joined the Monday night PA group in 1974. Our sponsor (now called facilitator) heard of an organization for parents being started in California, and felt the need to start a local chapter in Winnebago County. As a regional administrator for the Department of Children and Family Services (DCFS), Pat saw many parents she felt could benefit by attending this confidential group. Pat's hectic schedule made it impossible to attend every meeting.
Instead, she recruited and trained a dozen participants to be active, helpful, non-judgmental listeners. Her efforts proved fruitful. The volunteers were there at every meeting those first years. Predictably, as the group grew and needs changed, the volunteers' attendance gradually faded.
In the autumn of 1974, Pat invited Mark and me out for breakfast. During this pleasant time, she asked us if we would consider assuming the role of co-chairs (parent leaders) of the group. We got approval from the group at the next meeting.
So it was that Mark and I started the journey that would lead to many new friends, experiences, and duties. I still needed help raising my own children. There were five of them, and they had a lot of growing to do. The group assured me that I would have time to talk, if I just let them know I needed it.
Several months later, Pat met with some problems of her own. She had to resign both her paid position and volunteer job as facilitator of our Parents Anonymous group. Before she left, she asked her friend and co-worker, Barb Phillips, to come and be our sponsor. Barb had been working with DCFS in the foster parent program and came to us with a great deal of family expertise and experience.
From the beginning, Barb continued the same professional policy instituted by Pat. That is, whenever she came to a PA meeting, her experience came with her, but her job stayed outside the door. The PA parents accepted Barb, and trusted her totally.
Barb has been my mainstay during my tenure as parent leader. She has offered a different perspective to puzzling problems, and there have been many of them. She has always taken her role as "advisor" seriously; many times letting us, the group, hash things out before offering that one sentence that would clear things up.
Complaining that my house was a mess, the group offered many suggestions. Some even told me they would come over and help clean. Barb's final statement was, "Kathy, what are you going to do about it?" In truth, I was the one who really had to decide how to get the job done.
One summer, we met in the park because our regular meeting room was being renovated. As we sat around a picnic table at one meeting, a vaguely familiar young woman came to our group and asked "Is this Parents Anonymous?" She reminded us of her name and told us that our PA group had changed her life. Now living in California, when she was in Rockford, she was a young, single, frightened and abusive parent. She said a few years ago she found answers in our Monday night group.
Many have attended our group. Some came only once, others, many months. Some find the help they need, and do not come back. Some find that they are being helped and want to stay to help others. Our core of six has welcomed others, supported each other and shared most deeply the inner substance of our lives.
My title and responsibility as parent leader really applies to everyone in the group. Each one had gone to speaking engagements with me. It has been my privilege to watch their children grow, practically from infancy to marriage. Through the years, I have seen parents acquire self-confidence where little existed, parenting skills where they were lacking, and employment when least expected.
Parents Anonymous had, indeed, helped us raise our children. We have shared many tears and many smiles. We will continue to share the friendship we nurtured all these years in a Monday night Parents Anonymous group. I am grateful.
Editor's Note: This article originally appeared in the Spring, 1996 edition of Statewide News from Parents Anonymous [Illinois] and was edited and reprinted here by permission of the author.
Resource: Parents Anonymous, National Organization, 675 W Foothill Blvd., Suite 220, Claremont, California, 91711 phone 909.621.6184, fax 909.625.6304
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