by Cathy S.
Easy Prey, Part 2
At 23, I entered counseling with this notion and was brought around to the realization that this awful man had used and hurt my friend and I. He was an adult. He should have never encouraged our fears and taken advantage of them.
While I was working on this I was still convinced that I was quite mature at fourteen. I couldn't let go of the notion that I had made this decision on my own. That no one was to blame for how I felt except myself. I was damaged goods and didn't deserve anything.
Until I saw and spoke to a fourteen year old girl. She was just a child. I had been too. At that point I was able to realize what that horrible, awful man had done. I also realized now, with great regret, I hadn't saved myself for someone special. This would always be lost to me and I could never get it back. I also learned that I was miraculous in some of the ways that I had survived. This was a turning point for me.
I have been able to go forward from there, and from here too, this is just another step in the journey. I can now see connections forged from this experience that I still have to deal with today. I still have trouble with weight. Everytime I lose it I feel very uncomfortable feeling attractive and am uncomfortable being looked at and admired by men. I'd rather be heavy and gain no one's notice. I don't feel safe when I feel attractive. I don't want my body to be admired, it scares me.
I also believe it effects my sex life. I have a vague belief that because I was physically pleased and satisfied during that time that I am unable to really give myself again. I never feel I am really able to "let go," be vulnerable. I haven't nailed down this connection yet, but it will happen. Maybe I've connected the feeling of sexual pleasure with being bad.
I also know that one of my character traits is wanting to not have to go through the awkwardness and embarrassment of making mistakes in acquiring a new skill. I am also overcoming my hatred for baldness. The man who molested me was completely bald and I have had a hard time with bald men ever since. Until Jean-Luc Picard of course!
It is strange to see how I've healed in so many different ways. But I am still always telling my husband I hope he never goes bald. Though he won't know why until he reads this some day.
I am not bitter. I don't look back with a sense of horror and self hatred anymore. I don't try to find someone to blame. I am not a victim. I am a survivor. I am the sum of my experiences and I know that I would be a different person today if my experiences were different. However, I can't say how I would be different. I truly believe that which bends us, but does not break us, makes us stronger.
These are all things I have gained from going through the experience of writing this and thinking about the events again. It was not easy but it always gets easier. My hope was to share my story to help someone else who may need it. But, as so often happens when we reach out to help others we are often the ones most rewarded by the experience. Thank you for hearing me.
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