SelfhelpMagazine

by Connie Saindon, MA, MFCC, CTS

Carole was 6 when it began, her father would ask her to bathe him. She thought it was okay as she was helped byher two older sisters who were 7 and 9 years old. This ritual took place every time her mother worked nights at the hospital. It wasn't until her father would come in to her room and touched her under her pajamas that she didn't like it. She obeyed her father when he held his hand gently on her mouth and spoke a gentle Shhhhh.

She didn't like him touching her and would pull the covers up tight around her and pretend that she was asleep to avoid him. The worst was when he got her alone, she loved him and felt so confused. That's when it would happen, in the shower.

He'd make her bend over and wash her back and then have sex with her. After awhile it didn't hurt. She'd imagine it was someone else who was there and not her at all. It stopped when she was 11, when her parents divorced. She never saw him again.

Carole never told anyone and thought that because he was out of her life that it was over. When she started dating she was promiscuous at first. Then, after too many boyfriends, she didn't date at all for several years.

She found a church she liked and met Sam. Sam was different, he wasn't pushy and had a soft voice. He was a computer whiz and devoted to Carole. He asked her to marry him and she accepted.

Five years later, Carole came to see me and told for the first time what happened with her father. She thought, like many survivors, that once the abuse has stopped that that all would be okay. She came to counseling when her husband said he worried that she was not enjoying their sexual intimacy. He said she didn't seem like she was there. Because she loved her husband and wanted a fulfilling life with him she sought help.

Our exploration revealed that her adaptive "closing out" that helped her survive her earlier abuse was still operating.

This story comes from a fictitious composite of several survivors; Carole is not a "real" person. She does, however, represent a partial picture of someone who has been abused sexually as a child. Several things from this story speak of the conflicts that can be long lasting. Let me first say that not all survivors of childhood sexual abuse will have issues such as these.

Studies on children show how they have developed strengths along side of having wounds. Carole should be reassured to know that she's not alone in keeping her secret. She made that decision to help herself when she was very young. Her work in healing will help her adopt a current decision. She may have found that her "secret" was able to be revealed when it was "safe" to do so.

The most important idea for a survivor is to understand is that reactions like Carole's or others are normal reactions to abnormal events. It can be very helpful to begin by establishing a healing relationship with someone. You can't do this alone, nor should you. The basic capacities for trust, initiative, identity, and intimacy are developed through relationship and only in relationships can these capacities be healed if they suffered damage during the abuse.

There are several steps involved in healing. One initial step involves the establishment of safety. In Carole's case, it was the increased safety in her life that allowed her to tell her secret.

Future steps involved reporting to authorities and laying the groundwork for her to tell her husband what happened. When he was told, he was relieved to find that their marital problem wasn't him. He vowed to work with her to help her heal. In time Carole found out that her other sisters had also been abused.

Everyone has their own time table as to when they will deal with traumatic issues. When that time comes, help is available. Tell us if this story reminds you of what has happened to you and what has helped you. Address your comments to Traumatic Stress Editor.

About the Author:

Connie Saindon, M.A., MFT has been a Licensed Marital and Family Therapist since 1979. In addition to providing services for Individuals, couples and families, Ms. Saindon is among the few specialists in the field of violent death bereavement. Founder the Survivors of Violent Death Program and volunteer faculty at the University of California Medical School Department of Psychiatry, she is author of The Journey, Violent Death Bereavement: Adult Survivors Workbook and contributing author of Violent Death: Resilience and Intervention beyond the Crisis. To reach her, please see this page.