SelfhelpMagazine

by Dr. Al Cooper and Dr. Coralie Scherer

Still loving your husband after 12 years sounds like you are both doing some things right. But the anxiety you describe sure sounds like it can detract from the fun and flow of your love making. While your situation does sound upsetting we don't think that there is anything wrong with you, your husband, or your sex life that your friendly Sex Doctors can't help you with.

There are a couple of things to keep in mind. First, women lubricate different amounts at different times due to a number of different factors (like where they are in their menstrual cycle). Remember, although lubrication is definitely correlated with sexual arousal, either one can, and does, occur without the other.

You also want to be sure that both you and your husband realize that there is more to foreplay than a little kissing or him taking off his clothes -- no matter how exciting he thinks he is. Especially after 12 years you want to realize that you *both* may need more physical stimulation of the right kind and duration prior to intercourse. So you might want to arrange some times to explore and experiment with your ever-so-subtly changing arousal needs.

Also, we do live in the 90s and there is nothing wrong with giving Mother Nature a little extra help. Get yourselves a good personal lubricant. It needs to be sterile, water-based, and very slippery (one that is popular, relatively inexpensive, and widely available is called Astroglide). Use it *every* time you have sexual activity. Don't wait to see how much you lubricate on your own because, like watching for the proverbial pot to boil, you can become frustrated or anxious again. Just make it a regular part of your love making and we think you'll see a difference in short order.

About the Author:

Dr. Al Cooper, was the clinical director at the San Jose Marital and Sexuality Centre (408-248-9737) and ran the training program for Counseling and Psychological Services at Stanford University. Dr. Cooper was internationally known for his work in sexuality.

Dr. Coralie Scherer coordinates online services for the Centre and specializes in sexual trauma, women's issues, and marital therapy.