SelfhelpMagazine

by Richard B. Patterson, Ph.D.

This is a sad and painful situation, one which to some extent reflects the "dark side" of religion. When religions become swept up with "us vs. them" thinking, problems are inevitable.

Over the last 50 years, many religious groups have relaxed their laws and have accepted people of different faiths in marriage. While mixed marriage has become increasingly more common, some religious groups are still unyielding in their rejection of other people and groups.

Your fiance's choice is a difficult one. It's easy to say that religion shouldn't matter; but, for many people, their religion is an integral part of their identity, a piece of who they are. To give that up is not easy, for any reason.

One thing I'd suggest is that your fiance sit down with a spiritually-oriented counselor who experienced with mixed marriage couples, and not affiliated with her religion. Together, they can think through and discuss all the repercussions of her decision.

If he/she leaves her fellowship, it is very important for both of you that she be clear in her thinking, to minimize the chance that she will carry resentment toward you later.

If your fiance chooses to leave the fellowship, keep in mind that this will be a significant loss to her. It will probably need to be grieved for a long time. Learn to be extra supportive at these times, and don't take her expressions of loss to reflect upon her feelings for you, or that she is upset with you.

Perhaps your fiance can find comfort in the words of Gandhi: "Religions are different roads converging to the same point. What does it matter that we take different roads so long as we reach the same goal?"

About the Author:

Richard B. Patterson, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist in private practice in El Paso, TX. He is the author of three books on psychology and spirituality.