SelfhelpMagazine

by Richard B. Patterson, Ph.D.

Let me assume that your relationship with your father was troubled and possibly traumatic. How you may have coped as a child was to focus on other things than what went on amongst the people in your family. Then, when the source of that distress was removed, you were able to focus more directly on the people.

As far as recovering memories goes, this is an area of some controversy. We know that memories are fragile and subjective. We also know that trauma does indeed blunt memories.

What I believe at this point is that healing does not require recovered memories. We need to define as best we can the atmosphere within our families and define what were likely sources of distress. Then we can open ourselves to healing.

Hypnosis can be a real aid in this healing process and can be utilized effectively without delving into repressed memories. Otherwise the best we can do as far as memories are concerned is to take a reconstructive approach, i.e., to try to develop an understanding of our past through photographs, other records such as letters, and the recollections of others who were there.

Pictures are some of the most useful objects you can collect. look at them closely. Look for these things:

• Forget the stories you've been told for a moment, and look at everyone's eyes.
• Who looks happy?
• Who looks sad or mad?
• Who is snuggled next to whom?
• Who is touching or not touching others?
• Are you on one side of the picture, alone and upset, or cozy and secure with someone who is holding you.
• What are you and others doing in that picture?
• Can you recognize the scene, house, chair, outfit you are wearing or whatever else stands out?
• What about the background - where is it and what's going on?
• Is there a pet?
• Who is missing from the picture and where was that important person?

Often, pictures will help us remember what we really felt that day or year, and dispel myths our families spread for their own personal needs.

Asking your family members to bring pictures at your next family meeting might be a good place to start. The pictures will usually spark conversations. You might also want to bring along a tape recorder of some kind so as to catch all the details. It might seem a bit weird at first to record things in a room full of people, but after a few minutes, they will not notice the equipment and just go with the flow.

Some people write to elderly members of the family to ask for pictures or stories if those family members are no longer available for visiting or live too far away. Many older people are happy to tell younger generations stories of what it was like when the younger one was born, what was going on, who did what to whom, etc. Who was employed, cheated on who, treated their children well or not.

If you'd prefer to not write long letters, or ask an elderly person to write long letters, now-a-days, you can use any one of a dozen free teleconferencing services available through companies listed on the Internet to interview anyone you want. Be sure to find one that gives you a free audio recording of all your calls.

Using just a telephone, then, you can in essence, interview and record the interview anyone you want by telephone, once, twice or as many times as you'd like. Then you can go to the teleconferencing company website and download the audio recording - all for free. Such input from people who knew your parents or knew you can be invaluable in helping you put together a clearer picture of your past.

The amount and type of input you get will help you get a better grasp of what you need to do next. In some cases, psychotherapy can be of use too. A good therapist will help you piece together your past and usually has been trained to so so effectively. If that's what you need from a therapist, be sure to ask them if they've learned how to help someone reconstruct their past.

Elderly people are not the only ones with relevant memories. Older or younger siblings, aunts, uncles, even neighbors and old family friends are fair to approach.

Whatever input you get, it will help you know yourself more. If you think you might learn of things that upset you, you may want to be prepared by having already enlisted the aid of that psychotherapist.

Many people have benefited immensely by finding out about their past. If anyone tells you stop digging around in the past, ignore them and do what you feel you need to do for yourself. Just don't count on them to help, but keep moving forward with other people as much as you can.

This is your life and you have a right to know as much about it as you want!

About the Author:

Richard B. Patterson, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist in private practice in El Paso, TX. He is the author of three books on psychology and spirituality.