SelfhelpMagazine

by Patricia Pitta, Ph.D., A.B.P.P.

The only thing Joanne and Mike seem to do lately is fight. They are both very tired of this, and are thinking they'll have to divorce if it doesn't stop. Marriage therapy is a possibility they have considered.

Joanne is getting increasingly upset at work and her productivity is falling. Mike is starting to take it out on the children.

The basis for marital problems such as those of Joanne and Mike are threefold: Poor communication skills, the inability to cope with life's problems and one's own level of maturity and development of mature defenses.

The marital relationship is a tug of war for power and control. When the leverage of the couple becomes one sided: disappointment, fears, worries and anger become predominant emotions which will envelop the relationship. This behavior leaves the couple with a sense of utter despair, confusion and just feeling hopeless.

At this point, many couples think about leaving the relationship because they just can't understand and work with the dynamics in the relationship. They just can't tolerate their conflicted feelings.

The impulse to run away is paramount, but the reality is you can not run away from yourself. It is essential that you understand your role in and contribution to making the relationship dysfunctional.

When each member of the couple can:

• face their inner feelings
• observe their behavior patterns
• take responsibility for their actions
• and leave the blame behind

The couple has the opportunity to repair the functioning of the marriage.

The purpose of marriage therapy is to:

• enable individuals to function in the most mature fashion possible
• take responsibility for their actions, feelings and behaviors
• to join each other on their journey to better communication and emotional fulfillment

As a result, the couple can solve problems and develop the type of marriage that will enable them to fulfill their needs and desires.

If you can not solve your own problems by talking to each other, seek help and help yourself and your spouse. If your spouse will not go to marriage therapy, you go to therapy alone. We don't grow at the same rate or the same time. For a system to grow, you only need one person to change.

About the Author:

Dr. Patricia Pitta is a clinical psychologist practicing in Manhasset, New York, for more than 20 years. She is a Diplomat in Family Psychology of the American Psychological Association and an Approved Supervisor of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy. Dr. Pitta is also the President of the Long Island Association of Marriage and Family Therapy.

She has created a treatment modality that enables the partners to accept responsibility for their parts in relationship problems leading to resolution of issues without getting stuck in blame. She encourages self growth which enhances couple growth and family development.